It's not you... It's me... For realz

"Has anyone ever made such a fool outta you?"

Music plays a very important role in my life. There is a connection to emotion that the person is pouring out of themselves. It's what makes and breaks music, well at least for me.

We have all heard the "it's not you, it me," phrase a lot. We've said it to someone, someone has said it to us, or someone has said it to a friend. Never sure how take that phrase. Is it truthful? Are they just trying to make me feel better about being dumped? Who knows?!?!?

I've decide that it's time to believe that statement. It must be them. Everyone is a certain brand of crazy. Some of us know and the really crazy ones have no clue. 

So what do you do when you find someone that is your brand of crazy?

It's like trying to catch a feral cat. Sit still and don't more or even breathe, the cat comes up and sniffs you a little bit. You get too excited and it scurries away.

"Fuck, I just blew it. I knew I could have had that cat eating out off palm of my hand if I had just waited another second."

People are feral cats. It takes nothing to scare away someone or vice versa. Not sure about the fear. In a position they have been in before. Shit, there is a treat waiting for you. Just never sure if it is delicious or poison. That risk is a decision which must been made. It's certainly is a hard one.

Put yourself out there... (Blown off or blowing up), probably more use to the blown off one. Allowing yourself to share 

your emotional parts with someone is terrifying. Being afraid and keeping it all

In is equally as terrifying. Fear is created by worry of the unknown and the future. Creates anxiety. Constantly thinking about the past and regrets. Creates saddeness. "Be careful because if their your kind of crazy they are exactly scared the way you are."

Time for living in the present and keep movin' on!

So I will leave you with a few of my person favorite quotes from songs...

"When mountains crumble to the sea, there will still me you and me."

"I do believe, if you don't like things your leave, for some place you've never gone before... I do believe, you are what you perceive, what comes is better than what came before..."

"Someone told me that there is a girl out there with love in her eyes and flowers in her hair... Trying to find a woman who's never, never been born"

"All of this ain't round us for long, I'll tell you what we're gonna do, you will shelter me and I will shelter you..."

"Lots of people talk but few of them know the soul of a woman was created below"

"I don't want to be your regret, I'd rather be your cocoon."

"and I told you to be patient, and I told ya to be fine, and I told ya to be embarrassed, and I told you to be kind.... And I'll be holding all the tickets and you'll be holding all the fines"

Sound...

Quietly, I stand outside. I am not alone. Something scampers through the leaves. Pecking and wooting are faintly heard in the distance. A man walks his dog and the pitter-patter of the paws on the ground with jingle of his leash. The drips, creeks, and swooshing of water all around. The high pitched chirping of the bugs coming out of hiding. The toad, that ruffles and scurries through the leaves.

My favorite of them all being able to breathe in this fresh earthy air, hear tree frogs peepin', the squish of the muddy moss between my toes; the cool moisture of the air, and the faint sound of the falls in the background.

~ Happiness should be this easy

the note

DEFINITIONS: So randomly SIRI, while not even being near the phone said, "The definition of experience...," I seriously thought I was going crazy. Walked over to the phone and there was the definition, from Wikipedia of course. Thursday, April 02 @3:52p.

EXPERIENCE: experience is the knowledge or mastery of an event or subject gained through involvement in or exposure to it. Terms in philosophy, such as "empirical knowledge" or "a posterior knowledge," are used to refer to knowledge based on experience. A person with considerable experience in a specific field can gain a reputation as an expert.

"Focus on the journey, not the destination. Joy is found not in finishing an activity but in doing it." ~Greg Anderson

My plan was to define a whole bunch of terms: selflessness, connection, to live, selfishness, fear, courage, happiness... But instead I think the one word and one quote are enough. Oh, guess I forgot unconditional. That's a good word and misunderstood often. What I wanted you to know is that I really heard you on the phone Thursday. But you don't know me or what I am capable of or who I really am...

I am an amazingly understanding and reasonable person. I've only been "a little excited" because finally met someone. Just as odd as me and I feel like I get them. Really just want some more time to know you. Shit, in three more hangings out, I might just HATE you. But we are not going to know it unless we try. That's all I want. I do not need a commitment. I am actually good with a few check-ins a week. Maybe a phone chat or two. Hangings out when it works out for both of us with our crazy schedules.

I just would like to hang out with a dude that actually makes me feel comfortable enough to not "care" what I do or say. I mean, how often do you meet someone that you instantly know they are not judging you. Pretty FReaking RAD! Annnnnnnnd... TERRIFYING!! 

Watch out... A giant monster is behind you and if you don't run... You might find happiness. But "HE" is so big and scary. An unknown beast. At first maybe you see the long nails and BIG teeth... Maybe that is just how the monster says HI! Maybe those scary things go away when the monster feels like they've said their hi's.

We are all scared. We don't know the unknown. We want complete control. We don't want to feel bad again. It's hard for us to trust. (Others and ourselves) We get our minds set in it's own way. We want to not feel. (Good or bad) Letting go seems impossible. Opening up is terrifying. We want, what we want. It is hard to ask for help. We don't want to be judged. You just wanna be but being is something that you're not sure how to do.

Carefree... How can we get back there? How do you truly let go of the past and open ourselves to all of the possibilities ahead of us. What makes it so hard to let it all go?

Why can't we feel like we should be happy? What holds us back from allowing ourselves to be okay with wanting to be happy? Maybe it's time to release the guilt of whatever we've done, so that we can think we can be happy.

Whatever we've done, we've done. It's done and over. Time to say goodbye and open our hearts and the door to loving ourselves for being us. The people who actually care will love you ANY way you choose to be!

~ riding my waves ~

Once...

There was a time when everything was just less complicated.

My youth allowed me to truly say what was on my mind and not worry about the consequences. I ran away from that, quicker than the "Flash." Always so concerned on how or what someone would think about me if I just didn't hold back.

I am tired of playing that game. Saying what I mean or think does have to be done unthoughtfully. I am just at the time in my life where I am going to feel great with just being me. The raw me. No more worries. People will take me and leave me for who I are. Time to find more people with a similar mindset. 

I am going to try to be more accepting of other for who they really am, while also doing it for myself.

~Riding the waves

The Lost River

As I was on a mission to find the "Lost River," I realized that I was really on a mission to find some peace.

I decided, with my surgery coming up, that I would take a day to explore. I did not realize I would find some peace while search for this "Lost River." As I drove farther and farther away from the "city," I could feel my should relax, a smile grow on my face, and breathing became much easier. I wanted to visually explore everything inch of land. I drove down and backed down "roads" trying to find this damn river. Definitely time for a truck.

I finally see water that actually looks there could be a waterfall or at lets a baby one. The water was this clear, turquoise and the rocks were cover in sulfur making the orange. Hop out of the car, still in flip flops, and race over to the river. It's beautiful and protected by sticker bushes... Whomp whomp, I was so excited I didn't notice until it was stuck to my face. 

Take a few pictures and get hiking boots on. Walk farther down the river and find the top of a large waterfall. Immediately find my way down to see it. Not noticing the trail, I decided to take a longer, more falling down approach. Finally get to the bottom. It's amazing! I decide to go in for a closer look. A much closer look...

 A•Mazing! The roar of the water, the cool spray in the air, and the shake from all of the power. I always feel most connected when I am with water and earth. I often close my eyes and envision the first time I stood bare foot in the river. 

The smoothness of the rocks under my feet. How cold the river is at first, almost takes away my breath. The way the water rushes through my legs and toes. All of that energy around me. True power.

I found the "Lost River" and I found some peace. Being able to be with the rush of the water helped calm my mind. All of the answers where in there... There was just too much static. I would like to thank water for always being there for me. It has always had my back and helped me. It is a vital part of my life.

As I've rambled on long enough for now, my solo mission cleared the static. And remember... IT'S ALL ABOUT THE JOURNEY!

Messy Hotness or Just a Hot Mess...

That is definitely the question.

Breaking down walls can get messy. One day I am feeling proud to start the process of overcoming some "thing" and then BOOM the next day I've lost my sea legs. Up is right, left is down, and looking in the mirror and sort of feeling like a stranger.

I know my solid core is still there. Well, because after I do something unlike myself, I am able to address whatever it was. Sometimes just to myself. Other times the action has affected someone else.

It is human nature to be emotional. It's how our species has survived so long. I am allowing myself to follow my heart and allow my emotions to exist. Bottling them up, for me, only creates more neurotic behavior. Declaration to myself to be with my feelings and express them.

Can't hurt, right...?

A New Wave

Oh... hi... I feel a little awkward because it's been a while. I've decided that I want to try to make writing and photographing a larger part of my life.  Not really sure how I am going to do about this. I think just by writing and posting pictures. 

The past few years have been more or less complicated. As I am reflecting, I am opening doors that have been shut for a very long time. I am learning a lot about how I tick. One thing I do know, no matter what... Every time I get bulldozed down, I manage to stand right back up. It's coming from me, the inside. Not influenced by anyone else.

A very amazing man said to me one time, "Every day you wake, is a good day!" And how he could be more right. Be thankful toward/for yourself. At least I know in trying...