Once...

There was a time when everything was just less complicated.

My youth allowed me to truly say what was on my mind and not worry about the consequences. I ran away from that, quicker than the "Flash." Always so concerned on how or what someone would think about me if I just didn't hold back.

I am tired of playing that game. Saying what I mean or think does have to be done unthoughtfully. I am just at the time in my life where I am going to feel great with just being me. The raw me. No more worries. People will take me and leave me for who I are. Time to find more people with a similar mindset. 

I am going to try to be more accepting of other for who they really am, while also doing it for myself.

~Riding the waves

The Lost River

As I was on a mission to find the "Lost River," I realized that I was really on a mission to find some peace.

I decided, with my surgery coming up, that I would take a day to explore. I did not realize I would find some peace while search for this "Lost River." As I drove farther and farther away from the "city," I could feel my should relax, a smile grow on my face, and breathing became much easier. I wanted to visually explore everything inch of land. I drove down and backed down "roads" trying to find this damn river. Definitely time for a truck.

I finally see water that actually looks there could be a waterfall or at lets a baby one. The water was this clear, turquoise and the rocks were cover in sulfur making the orange. Hop out of the car, still in flip flops, and race over to the river. It's beautiful and protected by sticker bushes... Whomp whomp, I was so excited I didn't notice until it was stuck to my face. 

Take a few pictures and get hiking boots on. Walk farther down the river and find the top of a large waterfall. Immediately find my way down to see it. Not noticing the trail, I decided to take a longer, more falling down approach. Finally get to the bottom. It's amazing! I decide to go in for a closer look. A much closer look...

 A•Mazing! The roar of the water, the cool spray in the air, and the shake from all of the power. I always feel most connected when I am with water and earth. I often close my eyes and envision the first time I stood bare foot in the river. 

The smoothness of the rocks under my feet. How cold the river is at first, almost takes away my breath. The way the water rushes through my legs and toes. All of that energy around me. True power.

I found the "Lost River" and I found some peace. Being able to be with the rush of the water helped calm my mind. All of the answers where in there... There was just too much static. I would like to thank water for always being there for me. It has always had my back and helped me. It is a vital part of my life.

As I've rambled on long enough for now, my solo mission cleared the static. And remember... IT'S ALL ABOUT THE JOURNEY!

Messy Hotness or Just a Hot Mess...

That is definitely the question.

Breaking down walls can get messy. One day I am feeling proud to start the process of overcoming some "thing" and then BOOM the next day I've lost my sea legs. Up is right, left is down, and looking in the mirror and sort of feeling like a stranger.

I know my solid core is still there. Well, because after I do something unlike myself, I am able to address whatever it was. Sometimes just to myself. Other times the action has affected someone else.

It is human nature to be emotional. It's how our species has survived so long. I am allowing myself to follow my heart and allow my emotions to exist. Bottling them up, for me, only creates more neurotic behavior. Declaration to myself to be with my feelings and express them.

Can't hurt, right...?

A New Wave

Oh... hi... I feel a little awkward because it's been a while. I've decided that I want to try to make writing and photographing a larger part of my life.  Not really sure how I am going to do about this. I think just by writing and posting pictures. 

The past few years have been more or less complicated. As I am reflecting, I am opening doors that have been shut for a very long time. I am learning a lot about how I tick. One thing I do know, no matter what... Every time I get bulldozed down, I manage to stand right back up. It's coming from me, the inside. Not influenced by anyone else.

A very amazing man said to me one time, "Every day you wake, is a good day!" And how he could be more right. Be thankful toward/for yourself. At least I know in trying...

 

Follow your heart...

The question was asked of me... "With all that you've been through, how do you stay so positive?"

A big deep breath. I had to ask myself that question. It is not always so easy to follow my heart. With life coming at me from all directions and trying to see things clear, I have found myself not always trusting my heart and being true to myself.

Headed down another unknown path... and I found strength

"Everyday that you wake up, is a good day"... Or so, I quote this from an email recently received. 

I wake each day with the entire world in front of me. There is nothing there that can hold me back but myself. If I fear the unknown path in front of me... I will never know what the light that will shine down upon me. 

Strength from vulnerability

Recently, I was asked how it was possible to be strong through something/ many things that were challenging in my life. My answer was... I don't know. 

I have had a few days to reflect on this question. My answer would now be... My strength comes from believing in myself and allowing myself to be vulnerable. I know that I am making decisions and efforts to better myself as an individual. Each new day and new adventure teaches me something not only about myself, but allows me to be compassionate to others around me. Learning compassion for all, including myself, has been a huge factor in my strength.

Everyone has moments of weakness. I know, I do. But, this does not make me weak. It is okay because I am a human. Humans are not meant to be this interpretable force as we all try to be (I try not to speak for others). We (humans) have emotions and feelings and observations. We (humans) should not shut ourselves off from feeling however we feel. I have been, in the past, a victim of my own lack of love and compassion for myself. I had feared being vulnerable. I am sure you know what I am talking about. Those moments where you beat yourself up or bad mouth yourself, in a way you would NEVER talk to a friend. Or being afraid to say or doing something because of the fear of what others would think.

Learning to feel the feeling. Learning to tell myself it is okay to feel this way. Learning to take a huge breath and release all of the negativity... Has been my source of strength. This does not mean that I do not allow myself to feel these feelings. What is does mean, is that I embrace the feeling. I hang out with the feeling. However, I only give the feeling very little of my time. Enough time to acknowledge it, feel it, and let it go.

I wake each day not knowing what the day will bring me. I am not afraid. I am excited to see what each day has in store for me. I want to share my energy with others around me. I want to hold someone's hand that is feeling weak and pass along my strength. I want to make others not afraid.

I will leave you with this... Wake each day as it is fresh and bright. Forget about the worries from yesterday because they will only hold you back. Smile. Be thankful. You have the power to create the world you want to live in. YOU... yes you, hold it within yourself to make everyday a vacation. Stop being afraid of the unknown path ahead of you. The fear will only hold you back.

~ It's all about the journey!

Another bend in the road...

It has been a while since I found the courage to post. I have focused a lot of my attention on myself... What makes me solid, what makes me smile, and who I am really want to be... This journey has definitely had its ups and downs. Life has a funny way of throwing you a knuckle ball, just when you need an eye opener.

It has been a month since my accident. I have been home for two weeks. I have yet to cook. When I see fire on the TV, I start crying. When I see someone burned, I start to shake. When I see a woman in shorts, I get jealous. Buuuuuuuuuuuuuut, I am smiling when I wake up every morning and when I go to bed.

When I have these feelings, I feel them. They are real. It is okay. It is part of the process of healing. Accept myself and allow for the hurting or feeling frightened or nervous… BUT I feel them, accept them, hang out with that feeling for a minute... I think about how much energy do I want to give to the negative nat flying around in my head.

My body is not working the way I am use to. I walk funny or have funky posture. The skin on my leg is tight. I cannot walk for long period of time. I got frustrated when the yoga dvd my friend sent me was too hard. I couldn’t believe it! When I lived in Baltimore, I use to do yoga three times a week. Ahhhh…

Out of sheer frustration, I had to come up with some sort of workout. I have made for myself a gradual yoga process out of flash cards. I started with just 10 or so seated poses. Just doing these ten poses holding them for 10 seconds was a challenge. A challenge that pushed me… A few days of those and I added and additional 10 seated poses. Few more days… standing poses added in.

Today, I added the back poses and final relaxation. I did these 30 poses and held each pose and each side for 4 breaths in and out. Took a break. Had tea. Drank water. I set a goal for myself to do this series of poses and hold each pose and each side for 10 breaths in and out. I showed up at the plate today and ended up practicing for an hour and a half.

I love the way as I breathe in through my nose the air is cool. As I exhale, the warms in my mouth and rushes out of my nose. I can feel the layers in my body opening up and releasing. Feeling for the balance front to back and left to right. How my hips are pointed. The way my belly expanse as I breathe in. Exhaling… trying to push my bellybutton all the way to my spine. As my I breathe in and out, I am releasing my muscles, my tension and soreness, relaxing my face, and letting my focus and attention be on my breath.

This is what I would like to leave you with tonight… Life can be rough and turbulent. That is life. Finding a way to ride these turbulent waves until they turn into white water is what makes for part of the journey. Wake in the morning, be thankful, smile, and make each day happy. Everyone has a choice. What will yours be?

~It’s all about the journey!