Silence...

Sometimes it is good, others times it is not.

There is a moment when I sync up so well with something silence is a welcomed and an enjoyed space. There are other times when silence drives me crazy, wondering what the heck is going on. Not to mention all of the "end of the world" feelings that start swirling in my head. 

Gotta learn to not worry when there is silence!

Transparency

Is it bad to be transparent..?

I could say, "We all do it!" You know, that thing where you develop an really thick tortoise shell with moss growing on it... I know that I have had my armor on too long. I am tired of carrying it around.

What a freeing thing, say what you mean. If I am able to speak freely, then I become transparent. When someone understands and knows this, communications with everyone around them become easier. 

Image if you believed everything someone said to you because they were always open and honest. "Issues" can be resolve with a conversation. When the conversation comes from a loving and nurturing place, it can be very constructive and helpful.

I do my best to be open, upfront, and honest with everyone I meet. It is not a quality that all of the people in my life like. But the ones that appreciate it are my nearest and dearest friends! We try to look out for each other and keep our heads on straight.

To be transparent, it the most thoughtful way with yourself and others, has become very freeing. There is that dang on word again. Freeing. When I am able to think for myself and believe in my opinions I feel free. When opacity begins to occur, bits and pieces of you start to fade away.

Be who you are when no one is watching. Let's be free together!!!

Fear

The fear of opening up to someone, for me is great...

Thank you for caring enough to drive over here after you were already home. I know I have very strong emotions. It's a lot to handle, for everyone, including me. I hope that they did not completely scare you away. I know you have a lot on your plate and I don't want my eruptions to weigh you down. You are to special to me and for me to be the source of any pain.

Guess the stuff I am working on in therapy is starting to really unravel some of my core issues. To get to this point in my life where I am able to identify how I am feeling and why, has been challenging. I am glad I am here!!! This is how I will be able to have the life I want. The mud is getting thick... Do you have your galoshes? 

I know, although it may not appear so, I am so ready to let this stuff go and move on. This pain, fear, loneliness, lack of confidence, self belittling... I do not want this in my life anymore! I will not allow this to run in the background. I want my processor to run on joy and peace within myself. The mask of happiest needs to be smashed, so that my face, flesh, and bones can truly express how I feel in my core.

I would love for you to join me in this journey. It may not always be sunshine and unicorns, but it will have a happy ending. I want to let it all go and be happy with you. Life is far too short for us to be carrying all of this weight on our shoulders. Let's float in the clouds of inner peace and joy together.

Roots...

I have solid roots in finding peace within myself.

I think that reality has finally started to set in. The past few years I felt like I was walking through quicksand all the time. As soon as my footing would be strong, I would start to slide back into the thickness of the murky sand.

I currently do not have anything life altering going on. What...? I have nothing life altering going on right now! I cannot believe that those words are running through my mind. Then, like the sound for THX at the movie theater, it hit me. The past few years are finally behind me. 

The light that shines ahead is very bright. There is a lightness about my movements through the day. I do not feel afraid anymore. I have managed to get through some of the toughest experiences and I did not have a break down. 

Who is this person I have become? Have I finally seen some of my self worth? Do I believe that I am capable of doing anything I put my mind to? Am I able to understand that no matter what, it will always be okay? 

I could not be able to answer, YES to those questions without therapy. I feel that we are in a culture where therapy is frowned upon. This blows my mind. If someone knows they can comfortably go and get help without being judged, we would have far less acts of rage. I openly talk about my experience in therapy. I have had almost all positive experiences with it. But... I have always wanted to feel better. 

Everyone I should know I will never judge you and always support you. I will always do my best to be honest with myself first, so that I can be honest with you. Everything I say, even if it feels harsh, is meant with love and respect. Know that I believe you have a great life, I will always look out for you.

These are core, fundemental elements that make me who I am. I care for people and I am also realistic. I treat people with respect and apologies if I temporally do not. I love people near me. I encourage those who need it. All of this is coming for a thirty minute walk outside this morning. BOOM... I have to get back to my roots when I am feel a little not myself. Nature and my soul are connected. Without it, I fall apart. 

Dear Nature- I am sorry I've ignored you! I was feeling not awesome and forgot how you are always there for me. You will be see a lot more of me. Hope you are ready for an adventure! Love always- Jocelyn <3