Dear Dad...

It's been a while since we've really talked. This year has all the twist and turns that every year has...

Wish you were here to help me through multiple failed relationships. You always seem to know what was really going on. You were supportive, non judgmental, and able to guide me through things without me feeling like you were telling me what to do.

You missed all the pain and joy that came from my spinal fusion. How awful I felt before it and during the recovery would have been easier being able to hear you say, "It's going to be okay, Sweetie." Being able to celebrate with me when I was able to go backpacking for the first time. Getting strong again and feeling alive. I would have liked to share that with you.

Going rock climbing for the first time and realizing that my heart was set on fire by something so amazing. I would love to be able to share all of my adventures with you. I know you would be proud of my inner strength and heart. You'd be able to see my learn and grow. Becoming more confident with each climb.

Working on some serious, deeply buried emotional crap, that you had a lot to do with you. Processing my youth and figuring out how to be the best me. Maybe my healing would have healed you too. 

My life and the direction that it is going in is new. Not only are things much more positive for me, but I can see an incredible amount of growth. It's like I have finally learned to live. 

I know you are watching over me somehow. I see this one type of butterfly everywhere I go. I think it is you letting me know everything is going to be okay! 

Love you, Dad!!!

Rough

Life gently reminds me...

As I am on my journey to be the best me, there are things I have been working through that are hard. It takes me out of my balance. At times, I don't even recognize myself. 

This weekend is a great example. Went through some intense therapy on Tuesday. I was warned that I might have some things come up for me. That was an understatement. It was like a geyser!!!

Went climbing outdoors with a new friend. Poor guy didn't know what he was in for. I was frustrated with myself. Threw a few fits. Overly emotional. Damn right miserable to be around, I'm sure. He was patient with me and supportive. Definitely not a normal thing to run into. I am glad that he was there. Not sure he will want to climb with me anymore, but who knows.

The positives that came out of this eruption... I got a lot of things out that have been trapped inside of too long. It was a major release. I challenged myself physically and mentally. There so some level of emotional growth. I learned from a great teacher. I, although it probably didn't look like it, had a great time!

On the ride home, I was laughing because I was so angry. Not at my friend, not at myself, just angry. It is a feeling I don't usually have. Then alllllllllll of this stuff about my childhood started to come up. 

Why did I get a 98 not a 100? How did I miss that rebound when I had 12 rebounds and 15 assists? Why didn't I drop time or get first? All of things that my dad would say to me where flowing through my head. I called my mom to verify that I wasn't making them up. She confirmed my thoughts. 

I was angry. I had been beating myself up all weekend during my climbing challenges but really it was my dad. It was crazy to have an emotional response finally to his badgering me. I was never able to have a response because I was trying to be a good kid. For the first time in my life I was able to feel angry for being mistreated. It was pretty amazing!

Still angry when I got home, I get my mail. There is a package from Charlottesville. It was from a friend I met at my yoga weekend last week. 

It was this book. Inside was a stick note memo that said, "If you want your dreams to be, take your time grow slowly. Do few things but do them well, heart felt work grows purely. Day by day, stone by stone, build your secret slowly. Day by day you'll grow too, into heaven's glory." 

I instantly release my anger. It was like a switch. I felt balance and myself again. So grateful for this gentle reminder. I took the book to one of my favorite spots to read. (For anyone who knows me, I don't read much because of my reading disability) I couldn't stop reading. I had to put it down because the light was so dim I couldn't see the pages. 

"I hope that I shall always have a river to stop beside to remind, more than the sea, that I am on a journey into me"

~rough or glass I continue to ride these waves

Trad

Views that you cannot see any way else!

Ten years ago, I was in college trying to stretch credits to stay on my mom's health insurance. It was my last semester so I decided to have a little fun. I took gym class, ballroom dancing, and rock climbing. Gym was an easy A. I loved dancing, so ballroom seemed like a good option. Rock climbing seemed like it would be a challenge and fun.

Fast forward to this summer... I bought a rock climbing harness. Wasn't really sure what I was going to do with it but figured I was ready for a challenge again and maybe a little fun.

This weekend I had a grandiose plan to start at Harper's Ferry, cruise to Seneca Rocks for the day, and spend two and a half days in Dolly Sods. That was the plan... Nice thing about exploring solo is you can go where the wind takes you. The wind stopped blowing when I got to Seneca Rocks.

On my way out to Seneca I stopped in Winchester, VA. My friend suggested I stop in at Mountain Trails to get the gear I was looking for. There I met Arthur. What an incredibly nice and knowledgable man! I told him my travel plans. Then we started talking about all of my gear. I mentioned I had a harness but no climbing experience. Oddly enough he runs a climbing school at Seneca Rocks. This is where the seed was planted.

I get out to Seneca and stop by his school/shop. Chat with Andrew, the guy running the shop and call Tess (the girl Arthur suggested to take me out and show me the ropes, pun intended) We set up at one on one all day session for the next morning. As I was leaving to go visit with a friend, two people were sitting at the shop's porch, Regina and John. I stay talk with them for a while. Not knowing that the porch would become the place to be.

Head out to Blackwater Falls to hang with Sato. We eat at Hellbenders, hang at StumpTown Brew, and jam at the Purple Fiddle. Ran into a guy I met two years prior at the Harper's Ferry outdoor festival and my friend's best man. Definitely a small world. Saturday morning is here!!! Head back to Seneca to meet Tess and we get in our way.

Day One:

We start our trek with the STAIR MASTER. Definitely a steep walk and a great warm up. The plan is to start with top rope climbing and see how things progress. Tess climbs up and sets up the top rope. Teaches me how to tie in and I climb on. First route right to the top. She give me a more challenging route and I zipped through that too. 

At this point, she feels I'm ready to start learning trad. Trad means traditional climbing. The climber goes up the rock and places gear (hex, nuts, cams, and tricams). The climber makes it through a pitch and the second climber cleans the gear as they come up. It's a great team effort. You have to trust and relay on your partner one hundred percent. I practice cleaning gear to prepare for our adventure. We review terms and start up Humphrey's  Head (5.4).

We are going to take Old Lady's (5.2) to the summit. It's a three pitch route. We got up without a hitch. Well maybe I had two pieces of gear that where a challenge to clean. Overall we got to the summit pretty quickly. What an amazing view!

We rappel down at traffic jam. It has that name for a reason. Tess gives me a few options in what we could do next. I told her it was her choice. So we went over to  first pitch of Prune (5.6) and Front C (5.6). We bumped into a few people as we made our way over there. Everyone was respectful of each other and nice. 

We climb these two harder routes. Rappeled down. Pack up and head back to the shop just as it starts to rain. 

Get back to the shop and it is the soot to be. A bunch of people on the porch hanging out. Talking "shop." There is an importance to the lingo in climbing. Still working on that part, for sure. Meet a bunch of people. Arthur shows up with his equally incredible wife Diane. Two guys (Joey and Jeff) invite me to climb with them the next day. Tess told me I was a new but competent second and I could run a 5.7 route. So hopefully I will not get in over my head with those two tomorrow. This day was just an awesomely, amazing day! I did not realize how much fun I would have or how much I would love climbing.

Day Two:

Wake up just before the roosters start singing. Get my tent put away, brush my teeth, and head over to the shop (The Gendarme). Grab the gear I need to borrow for the day and head over to re STAIR MASTER with Joey and Jeff. Joey decided we would run Green Wall (5.7), the first pitch I was the clearner. The second and third pitches I was in the middle. That was nice because I only had to worry about climbing. At the top of the second is where I realized only very few people would see this view. My heart was set on fire and this moment is when I fell in love with climbing.

A surprise for me was that Joey picked this route because of the a•mazing rappel that we were about to do. Pleasant Overhangs/Birdhouse rappel. While getting set up to rappel to the ground, we spot Arthur and Diane cruising up Thais Corner. Diane was working on some booty. Booty is stuck or left behind gear. I snapped a lot of photos with Jeff's camera. Now it's to rappel this amazingness. Words cannot be spoken about this moment in my life. The first time hanging from a rope in space is will be one of my most treasured memories of my life.

We all get down to the ground. Arthur has offered to throw a top rope for us at Tripple S (5.8+). I had heard them talking about this crack, corner but was not sure what I was in store for. Joey gets after it and gets it. It's my turn... At this point I am beat, but I have to try. Listen to Regulators as I get my gear on. Yes, I said Regulators. With no service there, it was the closest to a pump up song as I had on my phone. 

I tie in and climb on. This wall of rock is slick and has some tiny grabs and ledges. Working hard with the sun beating down on me. The sweat is pouring. Chalk is my new best friend. I keep smashing my already bruised and bloody right knee. I take to breaks. I am exhausted. I only had about 10-15 feet left my my right leg and both hand cannot stop shaking. I tap out! Proud and mad... Tripple S has my name on it next time. Jeff crushes this route. He is definitely ready to lead it. Sweaty and beat we pack up and head back to the porch. It was a great day of climbing and the day I feel in love with it!

We eat, talk, and hang out at the porch. Tripple J (my name for the group today) decides it time for a "shower" so we head out to the swimming hole to rinse off. Nothing like a sunset swim to end a long day of awesome. 

This trip opened something up inside of me. I feel more connected to not only the world around me but to myself. My solo adventures have been teaching me more about me than I could have ever imagined. I am thankful and happy. Excited for many more adventures to come.

~riding waves and looking for cliffs to climb

(Photos from day two will be upload to my tumblr {adventuresdefineme} by the end of this week.)

Emoji?

Sitting here thinking about how I received a text with just two emojis in it and I complete got it.

Emojis are equal to hieroglyphics. Emojis are the universal language. Our time has figured out how to communicate with each other. Not only does everyone understand it, but there are no letters. Our time is finally evolving to a more universal race of people.?.?.?.?

Develop

Just like in the darkroom, life develops before our eyes with some science, control, and magic involved.

I am a trained photographer. Capturing moments is what my life is all about. So this analogy seems very fitting for my life.

I wake up everyday thankful for the opportunity to enjoy another day on this amazing blue planet. Some days are wonderful and some days not so much. I occasionally need to remind myself that no matter what is going on in my life, I will always push through.

Just as in the darkroom, events and experiences slowly start to reveal themselves. There is a sense of magic and curiosity that comes with each moment. Under the safe lights, it is hard to make out the the image. Can't really tell how the photograph will come out until the development has stopped and the image is fixed to the paper. Then out into the light to see what is really there.

Relationships, self growth, and experiences all develop. They all take time and patience. All the while not knowing how it will turn out in the end. Maybe one area is blown out and other is out of focus. Whatever the case maybe there is room for improvement with every moment.

Be patient, be in the moment, stop worrying about the out come, and let the magic happen. We all live in our own worlds and have control of only our actions. Remember to be open and look at things from every angle. I know I am certainty trying to.

~waves are getting easier to read.

Define

I am sure I will use this title more than once...

As I go through everyday, I focus on making the life I want. I feel confident in knowing who I am and what I am about, for sure. Trying to reach my ultimate goals in life is a much scarier thing. How to I become courageous enough to let go of the things known and walk on a new and different path. A path that is undefined.

Today, on my morning hike (a very, very crucial part of my life), I decided to explore off the path. I realize now that things I thought I was scared of, maybe i not. Lots of spider webs, to include a spider bite, and some free rock climbing were involved. As I ramble on... I found a beautiful spot to sit and think. I could hear the river and nature singing around me. Below is my starting point to creating the life for me.

~rough waters = growth

A Solo Adventure

For years now, I've heard about a hike called, Old Rag. It is in the Shenndoah mountains. Everyone told how difficult it was, that I had to go with people because there was now way I could go it alone.

Well, they were all wrong.

Yesterday, I decided that it was time to hike the infamous "Old Rag." So I packed my sleeping bag, tent, some water, a few snacks, headlamp, knife, notebook, hoodie, and my hat, then hopped in my car. The drive out was easy. Jammed out to some tunes, pondered life. A few hours later I arrive at the base of Old Rag.

Went to the ranger station, paid my entrance fee and signed my camping registration. The Rangers were funny guys, older and very encouraging. Grabbed my gear and off I went.

*****MORE TO COME*****

You Make Your Own Luck...

Or so it said on a dude's t-shirt at the park.

Right when you think life is getting easy, something makes it difficult again. How do we create our own luck? Is luck even really a thing?

Risks, I have be willing to take risks. This means change. Change is scary. The unknown of what is to come is scary. But I feel that without taking any risks or making changes, I will be stuck right where I am. 

I have things to do and places to see. It's my time to really make the life that I want. What I really want out of this life is to be connected to the earth and everything it has to offer. I want to explore and investigate. I will only be on this earth for a blink of an eye and I can't waste it being stuck. 

Passport is getting renewed this week. Plans will be made. Not sure where I will go or what I am going to do, but I know it is going to be the life I want and will make for myself. Time to live in the moment, for sure!

~although the waves are choppy, I'm managing to ride the waves. 

Be bold

We all have our shit!

What are we looking for? What do we want? What do we need? Do we really know how to answer these questions? Is it possible to not constantly fuck yourself over? 

I plan to be bold. Treat people how I want to be treated, love people how I want to be loved, and always try my best to do the right thing. I want to say what's on my mind with care and concern for others and also say what I feel needs to be said.

To be good to others, I MUST be good to myself. To be a good winner, I MUST be able to lose gracefully. To succeed, I need to learn something from every twist and turn in the road. 

Life should be simple!!! Hands down, that's it. Hormones, emotions, life experience, and our super processor (brain) get in the way. 

I want to be on the moment. This has been a process that has been very hard but rewarding. I am working really hard at not getting wrapped up in what is going to happen six months from now or ten years from now. To be present, right here,  right now is all I want and need in life. 

I am tired for being bound to something that I cannot predict. I don't know what is going to happen five minutes from now. How can I worry about anything outside of the here and now.

It's time to let go, relax, breathe, and enjoy the moment. Always keeping in the back of my mind that the only thing I can control is me. The past equals regret, depression, and blocks. The future equals anxiety, fear, and blocks.

I am here right now!

~trying to read the break through the choppy sea.

Up, Down, and All the Way Around...

That is the drill... Right, for life... 

I seemingly riding waves at every moment. Sometimes crashing down while I feel like I'm drowning. Other times, I feeling like I could launch into space. 

It is like being a little plastic surfer stuck in a snowglobe from a beach with no surf. It's all a big whirlwind of things. Good VS. Evil. Truth VS. Lies. Love VS. Lust. Ideology VS. Realism. Black VS. White... The list could go on forever.

No one thing is correct. 

How do I proceed? If I make the wrong move what will happen? Will the challenge always be great? What will happen if I don't make a move? Will I be the one there when I fall? How will I make an impact? 

Making these decisions are not easy. It like improvising a recipe and using the things you like and taking out the ones you don't. No one can really help you, it has to come from within. 

It's time for me to really take a good look at my dreams. Then sketch put a plan to make them happen!

What are your dreams? How will you make them a reality?

~Duck diving and still can get past the break

Mutant Powers

What mutant power would you want to have..?

When asked the question, which surprisingly comes up pretty often, my answer is always Wolverine. I want to have his powers. Super strong, excellent sense of the surroundings, the ability to heal quickly, and eternal life. These all seem like amazing powers to possess. It would allow me to protect others, see how to make the future better, and to have a sense something is about to happen.

I am starting to rethink my answer. Now. I would want to be Professor X. (Yes, I do realise I am show off my nerdiness) Why Professor X, do you say? Because he has the ability to find others who are like him. And yes, the ability to pull the occasional Jedi mind trick on someone would be pretty cool too.

This world is so vast and has so many people on it, there has to be an easier way to find the like minded people than having a mutant, magical powers. When I look at this world, I realize my tininess. There are other people with my values, views, goals... but where are they all? I have found a few that are the foundation of my family. This old saying applies to me, "Better to have a few close friends, than lots of acquaintances."

I wonder if dogs ever feel this way. A dog are of the same species but within that there are so many different breeds.

~Paddling around looking for my herd!
    

                                     

  

We Need Each Other....

No really, we do!!!

It has become more noticeable to me, that we absolutely need one another.

What crazy nonsense am I talking about? It's simple in my eyes... A person makes eye contact with me, there are two choices. ONE: look away and pretend I don't notice them. TWO: make a connection

A simple smile can create a chain reaction of smiles. How awesome would it be to know your ONE smile made 100 people smile? And those 100 smiles made 10,000 smiles. Those 10,000 smiles made 100,000,000 smiles. How amazing..?

Why can't we see how simple, yes I said simple already, it is to make an impact on someone. You can actually do this for yourself. Look a reflective surface at yourself smile, even if you are faking it. You will smile back. Try it out and let me know how it works out.

Happiness spreads just as fast as negativity; which of the two would you rather spread like wildfire? For sure, I want to spread happiness.

A friend of mine said, "Community is religion." It does not matter what it is but, it is people of common interest coming together and being with one another. We need each other. I think about all of the corners of the earth, many communities, villages, or tribes, it's all the same thing, would not survive without each other.

It's my observation that we are getting farther and farther away from each other. Seems like a dangerous route. I like to pick up the phone and call someone instead of sending endless text messages. We need both physical contact and emotional connections with one another. 

We can make the change! WE, regular everyday people can spread a sense of humanity. We can start by treating each person we run into with a little more care and concern. Even if it is just a smile. It is time to become less egocentric. Try looking outwardly. Look around you and take in what is really happening. 

Enough of my ramblings for the evening. My hopes for my blog are "SIMPLE." I want to share my ideas and experiences to let people know that they are not alone and that, no matter what, everything, no matter how big or small, will be okay. I pink promise you this!! 

~Deep breaths & Big waves

Current

What's filling my head space...

About a month ago I had a cervical spinal fusion. The process of healing should have been quick. It has become apparent, that my process has been much longer than I expected. I have been primarily residing in my less than 600 square-foot garage apartment and I am enjoying the space outside. I have a few wonderful friends come and visit. They take me places and hang out with me here and take me to dinner or coffee so the part has been really lovely.

Although alone time is really, really good for people. I don't know or wonder if it is good for a person to spend almost an entire month alone trapped more or less in cage and not really able to go see things or see the world. A month of pain and sleeping and rest and attempting to relax when really all you want to do is be active, is definitely a challenge.

I think a month alone traveling and exploring and learning and seeing and doing and feeling is much different. Alone in your head space can be an interesting experience. I've really been trying to identify what family means to me...

In my heart believe that my family loves me very much but as far as what they've been able to do for me in a mentally, emotionally, loving me, caring for me, support me, I don't know what their capacity is to or if there is a real ability is to do so.

I don't believe that your family has to be blood and I don't believe that your family that you were given is necessarily the one you were supposed to have. I believe that you can create it, family. But it is a challenge and it is hard to do because you still want to use on the blood relationship to be all that you hoped for them to be.

So I know that one fault of mine is that I can be needy. I like people to hold my hand or rub my back or bump their shoulder next to mine when were out, mainly because I feel good having physical connections with people.

So I get like overly excited when I meet someone and I have an emotional connection with or maybe it's a mental connection or maybe an attraction or just some connection in some kind of chemistry.

Then, I get very excited and I haven't learned "how to play it cool," so to speak. and it's unfortunate for me. I also have to identify that I'm not the only person that has some kind of issue. This person that I'm sitting across from has a slew of their own personal issues with relationships or touching or smiling or laughing or having fun or being happy or being sad or not knowing how to feel or interact or what's ever situation that they might have put themselves in or have been in. Sometimes we have these real relationships/connections to a feelings or emotions that we've had before. Takes you back to that memory.

So what is happened during this time, I have pretty much met some really cool people. I am have sort of lost some opportunities with some of these cool people. I am human not a robot that can have a reboot... I am working very, very hard basically ridding myself of these triggers of weirdness or neediness or whatever it is, I'm working on it for sure.

One thing I can say has been going very well for me, is the creation of my new family. Those people, you know who they are, have really helped me quite a bit. Just get the things out of my head or listen or lift me up or tell me I'm stupid or whatever it is that I must be said and I am very happy and grateful for that.

Healing more than my neck?

So through this healing process I was just wanting someone to hug me and snuggle up with me and rub my back and rub my feet and my arms and knees and butt and just every part of my body, that is hurting. 

There's a really wonderful tiny little black cat (Herbertie) that occasionally will give me a belly kneads. Like he's making dough. My friends is he's making donuts, I would say is making biscuits. I don't know he's a weird cat

I've been drawing and painting and writing and thinking and trying to estimate what's best. What things are most valuable in life. You know, really just trying to figure out what the next steps are.

I truly believe that I am a happy person. I think my spirit, my energy, and the vibes I send out are really positive. But I think that my current life situation just family, job, and location is having some effect on my ability to really truly live a life full of happiness not just be a happy person.

Someone said something to me about creating goals. That they need to be realistic and I'm not sure if that's really a true statement. I don't know, I think my current goal is to write down all of my dreams, all the possible dreams of my life and the way I see it. Yeah about that that's my goal.

~figuring things out how to ride on gnarly waves

This is kinda...

how I am feeling right now and for so many reasons!  Neckbrace :D<------Click!

Do OR do not, there is no try...

Yoda, life is not black and white... There are shades of grey in between.

We are these fragile beings. Something that is tiny to one person, may very well be massive to the next. It can take us back to a memory of something we are not even sure we know what the memory is. But our mind has the emotional response to, whatever the issue maybe, and we totally freak out.

Sometimes it's our mind's actions that cause the chain reaction. A familiar tone, smell, word... We're unaware that it is coming from ourselves, so we immediately believe it's the other person has done something to make us feel this way.

I ask myself these types of questions everyday. I know some of my neuroses comes from within. Primarily when talking about relationships or the excitement of meeting someone new. It's pretty damn hard for me to play it cool. And to be quite frank, I am tired of having to hold in my excitement. I like the idea of get swept away for a while; the whole time consciously evaluating the situation. 

I hate the no call, no text responses. Even thought I am sure I have done it myself. I am not looking to get married tomorrow! Shit, I am not looking for a boyfriend. Just looking to have causal interactions with someone on a "normal" (whatever that means) basis. A "get to know you better situation." But we don't allow ourselves to get to know each other anymore. So many people leave things ambiguous because of the fear of black and white. 

Let just get real for a minute, just like those notes I use to pass along to someone in the hallway while in school (circle one):

• Do you like me? yes/no
• Would you like to spend more time with me? yes/no
• Does it scare you? yes/no
• Would it be cool if we hung out a few times a month? yes/no
• Are you capable of letting go of whatever didn't work out in the past?  yes/no
• Are able to stop being scared? yes/no
• Are you ready to see the shades of grey? yes/no

Life is like a multiple choice test. There is a right answer, a wrong answer, and then two answers that kinda seem right but we're not sure. C is the most commonly correct answer. Just don't pick the door with Godzilla standing behind it. He might eat you up.

~currently riding head high, choppy swell 

It's not you... It's me... For realz

"Has anyone ever made such a fool outta you?"

Music plays a very important role in my life. There is a connection to emotion that the person is pouring out of themselves. It's what makes and breaks music, well at least for me.

We have all heard the "it's not you, it me," phrase a lot. We've said it to someone, someone has said it to us, or someone has said it to a friend. Never sure how take that phrase. Is it truthful? Are they just trying to make me feel better about being dumped? Who knows?!?!?

I've decide that it's time to believe that statement. It must be them. Everyone is a certain brand of crazy. Some of us know and the really crazy ones have no clue. 

So what do you do when you find someone that is your brand of crazy?

It's like trying to catch a feral cat. Sit still and don't more or even breathe, the cat comes up and sniffs you a little bit. You get too excited and it scurries away.

"Fuck, I just blew it. I knew I could have had that cat eating out off palm of my hand if I had just waited another second."

People are feral cats. It takes nothing to scare away someone or vice versa. Not sure about the fear. In a position they have been in before. Shit, there is a treat waiting for you. Just never sure if it is delicious or poison. That risk is a decision which must been made. It's certainly is a hard one.

Put yourself out there... (Blown off or blowing up), probably more use to the blown off one. Allowing yourself to share 

your emotional parts with someone is terrifying. Being afraid and keeping it all

In is equally as terrifying. Fear is created by worry of the unknown and the future. Creates anxiety. Constantly thinking about the past and regrets. Creates saddeness. "Be careful because if their your kind of crazy they are exactly scared the way you are."

Time for living in the present and keep movin' on!

So I will leave you with a few of my person favorite quotes from songs...

"When mountains crumble to the sea, there will still me you and me."

"I do believe, if you don't like things your leave, for some place you've never gone before... I do believe, you are what you perceive, what comes is better than what came before..."

"Someone told me that there is a girl out there with love in her eyes and flowers in her hair... Trying to find a woman who's never, never been born"

"All of this ain't round us for long, I'll tell you what we're gonna do, you will shelter me and I will shelter you..."

"Lots of people talk but few of them know the soul of a woman was created below"

"I don't want to be your regret, I'd rather be your cocoon."

"and I told you to be patient, and I told ya to be fine, and I told ya to be embarrassed, and I told you to be kind.... And I'll be holding all the tickets and you'll be holding all the fines"

Sound...

Quietly, I stand outside. I am not alone. Something scampers through the leaves. Pecking and wooting are faintly heard in the distance. A man walks his dog and the pitter-patter of the paws on the ground with jingle of his leash. The drips, creeks, and swooshing of water all around. The high pitched chirping of the bugs coming out of hiding. The toad, that ruffles and scurries through the leaves.

My favorite of them all being able to breathe in this fresh earthy air, hear tree frogs peepin', the squish of the muddy moss between my toes; the cool moisture of the air, and the faint sound of the falls in the background.

~ Happiness should be this easy

the note

DEFINITIONS: So randomly SIRI, while not even being near the phone said, "The definition of experience...," I seriously thought I was going crazy. Walked over to the phone and there was the definition, from Wikipedia of course. Thursday, April 02 @3:52p.

EXPERIENCE: experience is the knowledge or mastery of an event or subject gained through involvement in or exposure to it. Terms in philosophy, such as "empirical knowledge" or "a posterior knowledge," are used to refer to knowledge based on experience. A person with considerable experience in a specific field can gain a reputation as an expert.

"Focus on the journey, not the destination. Joy is found not in finishing an activity but in doing it." ~Greg Anderson

My plan was to define a whole bunch of terms: selflessness, connection, to live, selfishness, fear, courage, happiness... But instead I think the one word and one quote are enough. Oh, guess I forgot unconditional. That's a good word and misunderstood often. What I wanted you to know is that I really heard you on the phone Thursday. But you don't know me or what I am capable of or who I really am...

I am an amazingly understanding and reasonable person. I've only been "a little excited" because finally met someone. Just as odd as me and I feel like I get them. Really just want some more time to know you. Shit, in three more hangings out, I might just HATE you. But we are not going to know it unless we try. That's all I want. I do not need a commitment. I am actually good with a few check-ins a week. Maybe a phone chat or two. Hangings out when it works out for both of us with our crazy schedules.

I just would like to hang out with a dude that actually makes me feel comfortable enough to not "care" what I do or say. I mean, how often do you meet someone that you instantly know they are not judging you. Pretty FReaking RAD! Annnnnnnnd... TERRIFYING!! 

Watch out... A giant monster is behind you and if you don't run... You might find happiness. But "HE" is so big and scary. An unknown beast. At first maybe you see the long nails and BIG teeth... Maybe that is just how the monster says HI! Maybe those scary things go away when the monster feels like they've said their hi's.

We are all scared. We don't know the unknown. We want complete control. We don't want to feel bad again. It's hard for us to trust. (Others and ourselves) We get our minds set in it's own way. We want to not feel. (Good or bad) Letting go seems impossible. Opening up is terrifying. We want, what we want. It is hard to ask for help. We don't want to be judged. You just wanna be but being is something that you're not sure how to do.

Carefree... How can we get back there? How do you truly let go of the past and open ourselves to all of the possibilities ahead of us. What makes it so hard to let it all go?

Why can't we feel like we should be happy? What holds us back from allowing ourselves to be okay with wanting to be happy? Maybe it's time to release the guilt of whatever we've done, so that we can think we can be happy.

Whatever we've done, we've done. It's done and over. Time to say goodbye and open our hearts and the door to loving ourselves for being us. The people who actually care will love you ANY way you choose to be!

~ riding my waves ~

Once...

There was a time when everything was just less complicated.

My youth allowed me to truly say what was on my mind and not worry about the consequences. I ran away from that, quicker than the "Flash." Always so concerned on how or what someone would think about me if I just didn't hold back.

I am tired of playing that game. Saying what I mean or think does have to be done unthoughtfully. I am just at the time in my life where I am going to feel great with just being me. The raw me. No more worries. People will take me and leave me for who I are. Time to find more people with a similar mindset. 

I am going to try to be more accepting of other for who they really am, while also doing it for myself.

~Riding the waves

The Lost River

As I was on a mission to find the "Lost River," I realized that I was really on a mission to find some peace.

I decided, with my surgery coming up, that I would take a day to explore. I did not realize I would find some peace while search for this "Lost River." As I drove farther and farther away from the "city," I could feel my should relax, a smile grow on my face, and breathing became much easier. I wanted to visually explore everything inch of land. I drove down and backed down "roads" trying to find this damn river. Definitely time for a truck.

I finally see water that actually looks there could be a waterfall or at lets a baby one. The water was this clear, turquoise and the rocks were cover in sulfur making the orange. Hop out of the car, still in flip flops, and race over to the river. It's beautiful and protected by sticker bushes... Whomp whomp, I was so excited I didn't notice until it was stuck to my face. 

Take a few pictures and get hiking boots on. Walk farther down the river and find the top of a large waterfall. Immediately find my way down to see it. Not noticing the trail, I decided to take a longer, more falling down approach. Finally get to the bottom. It's amazing! I decide to go in for a closer look. A much closer look...

 A•Mazing! The roar of the water, the cool spray in the air, and the shake from all of the power. I always feel most connected when I am with water and earth. I often close my eyes and envision the first time I stood bare foot in the river. 

The smoothness of the rocks under my feet. How cold the river is at first, almost takes away my breath. The way the water rushes through my legs and toes. All of that energy around me. True power.

I found the "Lost River" and I found some peace. Being able to be with the rush of the water helped calm my mind. All of the answers where in there... There was just too much static. I would like to thank water for always being there for me. It has always had my back and helped me. It is a vital part of my life.

As I've rambled on long enough for now, my solo mission cleared the static. And remember... IT'S ALL ABOUT THE JOURNEY!

Messy Hotness or Just a Hot Mess...

That is definitely the question.

Breaking down walls can get messy. One day I am feeling proud to start the process of overcoming some "thing" and then BOOM the next day I've lost my sea legs. Up is right, left is down, and looking in the mirror and sort of feeling like a stranger.

I know my solid core is still there. Well, because after I do something unlike myself, I am able to address whatever it was. Sometimes just to myself. Other times the action has affected someone else.

It is human nature to be emotional. It's how our species has survived so long. I am allowing myself to follow my heart and allow my emotions to exist. Bottling them up, for me, only creates more neurotic behavior. Declaration to myself to be with my feelings and express them.

Can't hurt, right...?

A New Wave

Oh... hi... I feel a little awkward because it's been a while. I've decided that I want to try to make writing and photographing a larger part of my life.  Not really sure how I am going to do about this. I think just by writing and posting pictures. 

The past few years have been more or less complicated. As I am reflecting, I am opening doors that have been shut for a very long time. I am learning a lot about how I tick. One thing I do know, no matter what... Every time I get bulldozed down, I manage to stand right back up. It's coming from me, the inside. Not influenced by anyone else.

A very amazing man said to me one time, "Every day you wake, is a good day!" And how he could be more right. Be thankful toward/for yourself. At least I know in trying...