Current

What's filling my head space...

About a month ago I had a cervical spinal fusion. The process of healing should have been quick. It has become apparent, that my process has been much longer than I expected. I have been primarily residing in my less than 600 square-foot garage apartment and I am enjoying the space outside. I have a few wonderful friends come and visit. They take me places and hang out with me here and take me to dinner or coffee so the part has been really lovely.

Although alone time is really, really good for people. I don't know or wonder if it is good for a person to spend almost an entire month alone trapped more or less in cage and not really able to go see things or see the world. A month of pain and sleeping and rest and attempting to relax when really all you want to do is be active, is definitely a challenge.

I think a month alone traveling and exploring and learning and seeing and doing and feeling is much different. Alone in your head space can be an interesting experience. I've really been trying to identify what family means to me...

In my heart believe that my family loves me very much but as far as what they've been able to do for me in a mentally, emotionally, loving me, caring for me, support me, I don't know what their capacity is to or if there is a real ability is to do so.

I don't believe that your family has to be blood and I don't believe that your family that you were given is necessarily the one you were supposed to have. I believe that you can create it, family. But it is a challenge and it is hard to do because you still want to use on the blood relationship to be all that you hoped for them to be.

So I know that one fault of mine is that I can be needy. I like people to hold my hand or rub my back or bump their shoulder next to mine when were out, mainly because I feel good having physical connections with people.

So I get like overly excited when I meet someone and I have an emotional connection with or maybe it's a mental connection or maybe an attraction or just some connection in some kind of chemistry.

Then, I get very excited and I haven't learned "how to play it cool," so to speak. and it's unfortunate for me. I also have to identify that I'm not the only person that has some kind of issue. This person that I'm sitting across from has a slew of their own personal issues with relationships or touching or smiling or laughing or having fun or being happy or being sad or not knowing how to feel or interact or what's ever situation that they might have put themselves in or have been in. Sometimes we have these real relationships/connections to a feelings or emotions that we've had before. Takes you back to that memory.

So what is happened during this time, I have pretty much met some really cool people. I am have sort of lost some opportunities with some of these cool people. I am human not a robot that can have a reboot... I am working very, very hard basically ridding myself of these triggers of weirdness or neediness or whatever it is, I'm working on it for sure.

One thing I can say has been going very well for me, is the creation of my new family. Those people, you know who they are, have really helped me quite a bit. Just get the things out of my head or listen or lift me up or tell me I'm stupid or whatever it is that I must be said and I am very happy and grateful for that.

Healing more than my neck?

So through this healing process I was just wanting someone to hug me and snuggle up with me and rub my back and rub my feet and my arms and knees and butt and just every part of my body, that is hurting. 

There's a really wonderful tiny little black cat (Herbertie) that occasionally will give me a belly kneads. Like he's making dough. My friends is he's making donuts, I would say is making biscuits. I don't know he's a weird cat

I've been drawing and painting and writing and thinking and trying to estimate what's best. What things are most valuable in life. You know, really just trying to figure out what the next steps are.

I truly believe that I am a happy person. I think my spirit, my energy, and the vibes I send out are really positive. But I think that my current life situation just family, job, and location is having some effect on my ability to really truly live a life full of happiness not just be a happy person.

Someone said something to me about creating goals. That they need to be realistic and I'm not sure if that's really a true statement. I don't know, I think my current goal is to write down all of my dreams, all the possible dreams of my life and the way I see it. Yeah about that that's my goal.

~figuring things out how to ride on gnarly waves

This is kinda...

how I am feeling right now and for so many reasons!  Neckbrace :D<------Click!

Do OR do not, there is no try...

Yoda, life is not black and white... There are shades of grey in between.

We are these fragile beings. Something that is tiny to one person, may very well be massive to the next. It can take us back to a memory of something we are not even sure we know what the memory is. But our mind has the emotional response to, whatever the issue maybe, and we totally freak out.

Sometimes it's our mind's actions that cause the chain reaction. A familiar tone, smell, word... We're unaware that it is coming from ourselves, so we immediately believe it's the other person has done something to make us feel this way.

I ask myself these types of questions everyday. I know some of my neuroses comes from within. Primarily when talking about relationships or the excitement of meeting someone new. It's pretty damn hard for me to play it cool. And to be quite frank, I am tired of having to hold in my excitement. I like the idea of get swept away for a while; the whole time consciously evaluating the situation. 

I hate the no call, no text responses. Even thought I am sure I have done it myself. I am not looking to get married tomorrow! Shit, I am not looking for a boyfriend. Just looking to have causal interactions with someone on a "normal" (whatever that means) basis. A "get to know you better situation." But we don't allow ourselves to get to know each other anymore. So many people leave things ambiguous because of the fear of black and white. 

Let just get real for a minute, just like those notes I use to pass along to someone in the hallway while in school (circle one):

• Do you like me? yes/no
• Would you like to spend more time with me? yes/no
• Does it scare you? yes/no
• Would it be cool if we hung out a few times a month? yes/no
• Are you capable of letting go of whatever didn't work out in the past?  yes/no
• Are able to stop being scared? yes/no
• Are you ready to see the shades of grey? yes/no

Life is like a multiple choice test. There is a right answer, a wrong answer, and then two answers that kinda seem right but we're not sure. C is the most commonly correct answer. Just don't pick the door with Godzilla standing behind it. He might eat you up.

~currently riding head high, choppy swell 

It's not you... It's me... For realz

"Has anyone ever made such a fool outta you?"

Music plays a very important role in my life. There is a connection to emotion that the person is pouring out of themselves. It's what makes and breaks music, well at least for me.

We have all heard the "it's not you, it me," phrase a lot. We've said it to someone, someone has said it to us, or someone has said it to a friend. Never sure how take that phrase. Is it truthful? Are they just trying to make me feel better about being dumped? Who knows?!?!?

I've decide that it's time to believe that statement. It must be them. Everyone is a certain brand of crazy. Some of us know and the really crazy ones have no clue. 

So what do you do when you find someone that is your brand of crazy?

It's like trying to catch a feral cat. Sit still and don't more or even breathe, the cat comes up and sniffs you a little bit. You get too excited and it scurries away.

"Fuck, I just blew it. I knew I could have had that cat eating out off palm of my hand if I had just waited another second."

People are feral cats. It takes nothing to scare away someone or vice versa. Not sure about the fear. In a position they have been in before. Shit, there is a treat waiting for you. Just never sure if it is delicious or poison. That risk is a decision which must been made. It's certainly is a hard one.

Put yourself out there... (Blown off or blowing up), probably more use to the blown off one. Allowing yourself to share 

your emotional parts with someone is terrifying. Being afraid and keeping it all

In is equally as terrifying. Fear is created by worry of the unknown and the future. Creates anxiety. Constantly thinking about the past and regrets. Creates saddeness. "Be careful because if their your kind of crazy they are exactly scared the way you are."

Time for living in the present and keep movin' on!

So I will leave you with a few of my person favorite quotes from songs...

"When mountains crumble to the sea, there will still me you and me."

"I do believe, if you don't like things your leave, for some place you've never gone before... I do believe, you are what you perceive, what comes is better than what came before..."

"Someone told me that there is a girl out there with love in her eyes and flowers in her hair... Trying to find a woman who's never, never been born"

"All of this ain't round us for long, I'll tell you what we're gonna do, you will shelter me and I will shelter you..."

"Lots of people talk but few of them know the soul of a woman was created below"

"I don't want to be your regret, I'd rather be your cocoon."

"and I told you to be patient, and I told ya to be fine, and I told ya to be embarrassed, and I told you to be kind.... And I'll be holding all the tickets and you'll be holding all the fines"

Sound...

Quietly, I stand outside. I am not alone. Something scampers through the leaves. Pecking and wooting are faintly heard in the distance. A man walks his dog and the pitter-patter of the paws on the ground with jingle of his leash. The drips, creeks, and swooshing of water all around. The high pitched chirping of the bugs coming out of hiding. The toad, that ruffles and scurries through the leaves.

My favorite of them all being able to breathe in this fresh earthy air, hear tree frogs peepin', the squish of the muddy moss between my toes; the cool moisture of the air, and the faint sound of the falls in the background.

~ Happiness should be this easy

the note

DEFINITIONS: So randomly SIRI, while not even being near the phone said, "The definition of experience...," I seriously thought I was going crazy. Walked over to the phone and there was the definition, from Wikipedia of course. Thursday, April 02 @3:52p.

EXPERIENCE: experience is the knowledge or mastery of an event or subject gained through involvement in or exposure to it. Terms in philosophy, such as "empirical knowledge" or "a posterior knowledge," are used to refer to knowledge based on experience. A person with considerable experience in a specific field can gain a reputation as an expert.

"Focus on the journey, not the destination. Joy is found not in finishing an activity but in doing it." ~Greg Anderson

My plan was to define a whole bunch of terms: selflessness, connection, to live, selfishness, fear, courage, happiness... But instead I think the one word and one quote are enough. Oh, guess I forgot unconditional. That's a good word and misunderstood often. What I wanted you to know is that I really heard you on the phone Thursday. But you don't know me or what I am capable of or who I really am...

I am an amazingly understanding and reasonable person. I've only been "a little excited" because finally met someone. Just as odd as me and I feel like I get them. Really just want some more time to know you. Shit, in three more hangings out, I might just HATE you. But we are not going to know it unless we try. That's all I want. I do not need a commitment. I am actually good with a few check-ins a week. Maybe a phone chat or two. Hangings out when it works out for both of us with our crazy schedules.

I just would like to hang out with a dude that actually makes me feel comfortable enough to not "care" what I do or say. I mean, how often do you meet someone that you instantly know they are not judging you. Pretty FReaking RAD! Annnnnnnnd... TERRIFYING!! 

Watch out... A giant monster is behind you and if you don't run... You might find happiness. But "HE" is so big and scary. An unknown beast. At first maybe you see the long nails and BIG teeth... Maybe that is just how the monster says HI! Maybe those scary things go away when the monster feels like they've said their hi's.

We are all scared. We don't know the unknown. We want complete control. We don't want to feel bad again. It's hard for us to trust. (Others and ourselves) We get our minds set in it's own way. We want to not feel. (Good or bad) Letting go seems impossible. Opening up is terrifying. We want, what we want. It is hard to ask for help. We don't want to be judged. You just wanna be but being is something that you're not sure how to do.

Carefree... How can we get back there? How do you truly let go of the past and open ourselves to all of the possibilities ahead of us. What makes it so hard to let it all go?

Why can't we feel like we should be happy? What holds us back from allowing ourselves to be okay with wanting to be happy? Maybe it's time to release the guilt of whatever we've done, so that we can think we can be happy.

Whatever we've done, we've done. It's done and over. Time to say goodbye and open our hearts and the door to loving ourselves for being us. The people who actually care will love you ANY way you choose to be!

~ riding my waves ~