Dear Two Thousand Thirteen-
We have certainly been through a lot! Happiness, pain, and growth are just a few of things that you have offered me. Thank you! Without you, I would not be where I am on my journey. I have learned much about life but more importantly I have learned a lot about who I am, what I want, and how to accomplish anything I set my heart on.
I have not always felt this way about you. I just have to be honest. Many times, I just wanted you to end. Now, as I am at the end of this adventure, I reflect and you have been a great friend to me. Thank you for the jump start and eye opening experiences.
As your younger brother approaches by the hour, I want you to know, I will never forget you! I will continue my mission to live heaven on earth. I am so thankful that I can wake up everyday and love myself. I am thankful that my life is filled with some truly, truly amazing people. I am thankful for what I have and now realize, it is all I need.
One lesson stands out in my mind from this year...
Life is simple! There is no need to make things complicated. I am doing this by knowing I am great just the way I am, by loving the people who mean something without expecting anything in return, opening my heart to myself and others by listening and just being, and waking up every morning with a smile on my face and being happy where I am.
I will leave you with good friend... It is a quote from Confucius. "No matter where you go, there you are."
~Peace to You
12.31.2013
12.28.2013
Vantage Points
It is all about perception. Each person sees and handles the world differently. Everyone has their own understanding of the world. What they are capable of, where they are willing to take themselves, what their limitations are, how an event is understood.
We all stand at a different vantage point. I may be standing on the top of a hill trying to see the entire picture. Someone else may be sitting on the ground looking up with the entire picture crashing down.
I want to see things from your vantage point. I want to feel like I completely understand you. I want to connect with you on a higher level. I want you to understand me. I have let down my guard, will you pull back your curtains just a bit? Life is too short to keep walls up. I have torn my down (Berlin Wall style). I feel free. I am no longer repressed. I am joyfully dancing on the ruins. Now... it is time to live! Live with an open heart and mind. To wake up everyday connected, to myself and others. No more fears! No more worries!
We all stand at a different vantage point. I may be standing on the top of a hill trying to see the entire picture. Someone else may be sitting on the ground looking up with the entire picture crashing down.
I want to see things from your vantage point. I want to feel like I completely understand you. I want to connect with you on a higher level. I want you to understand me. I have let down my guard, will you pull back your curtains just a bit? Life is too short to keep walls up. I have torn my down (Berlin Wall style). I feel free. I am no longer repressed. I am joyfully dancing on the ruins. Now... it is time to live! Live with an open heart and mind. To wake up everyday connected, to myself and others. No more fears! No more worries!
12.20.2013
Reflections of 2013: Part Two
Here it is, the moment where my 2013 turned from the WORST to the very BEST year!
Forgiveness. I have learned that in order to truly move forward, I need to forgive!
The first person I forgave was my Dad. I wrote him a letter. That letter with rest with him for an eternity. In this letter, I forgave him for all of the emotional abuse. I no longer blamed him for it. The behaviors that I hated about him were learned. He learned to mistreat people because he, himself was mistreated. He was not a strong enough person to make any changes and to forgive them. The other part to this forgiveness is that I know in my heart now, that all he really wanted for me was the best. He pushed me (not in a healthy way) to the point that has turned into my adulthood perfectionism. Dad, I love you and you are forgiven!
The next person that I wanted to forgive was myself. Wow, right? This was not an easy task. Being able to forgive myself will be a journey. I feel at this moment that I have forgiven myself for whatever I was beating myself up about. I must let go of the past in order to live in the present. I cannot change the past and cannot worry about the future. Past = Depression (woulda/shoulda) Future= Anxiety (what if/maybe this will happen if)
The only time I need to live in is the present.
True Self Love. Loving yourself is not always easy.
I have been a victim of self abuse. You know what I mean... You are running late and keep saying to yourself, "Why did you decide to wash the dishes before leaving? Big dummy, now you are late."-OR- You say something you wished you had not and keep playing the scenario over and over again in your head.
I learned that loving myself unconditionally meant giving myself a break when stuff like that happens. Being able to say to myself, "It's okay, Buddy!" and move on. I know that I am easy on my good friends like that all of the time. Welp... It is now the time for me to become my own good friend. No more beating myself up. I am my own friend and I love myself unconditionally!
Self Validation. Does this scenario sounds familiar... You have a decision to make but for whatever reason, you feel the need to discuss this decision with someone else before making up your mind.
I am capable of making a good decision on my own. I do not need someones opinion in order to make a good decision. If I make a bad decision, IT WILL BE OKAY! I will learn from my mistake. I will take this new knowledge and apply it to the next decision.
This conclusion did not happen over night for me. With my Dad's passing, I lost my main for source decision making discussion. Now, I am doing it on my own and man does it feel good. I am a smart, knowledgeable, and resourceful woman! I only need validation from myself. I can be proud of myself. Once realizing this, I have so much confidence. It is pretty amazing and powerful!
***************************************************************
These are my three main realizations. There are a few more sprouting. I have a few ideas what those sprouts may be.
Forgiving myself, unconditionally loving myself, and being proud of myself are lessons I am so thankful to have learned. I am now a stronger, wiser, and stabler version of myself. Still the same silly, laughing, smiling girl that I was before but with an amazing amount of self worth and love. I would be nothing without myself. I need myself. Have my own back. Now that I can be there for me, I will be better at being there for other people.
I will leave you with this. Give yourself a break. Tell yourself that you are "Da Bomb!" (Yeah, I know... I know it is not the 90's) You are totally worth love and you can give that to yourself! You are awesome!
~Peace to You!
Forgiveness. I have learned that in order to truly move forward, I need to forgive!
The first person I forgave was my Dad. I wrote him a letter. That letter with rest with him for an eternity. In this letter, I forgave him for all of the emotional abuse. I no longer blamed him for it. The behaviors that I hated about him were learned. He learned to mistreat people because he, himself was mistreated. He was not a strong enough person to make any changes and to forgive them. The other part to this forgiveness is that I know in my heart now, that all he really wanted for me was the best. He pushed me (not in a healthy way) to the point that has turned into my adulthood perfectionism. Dad, I love you and you are forgiven!
The next person that I wanted to forgive was myself. Wow, right? This was not an easy task. Being able to forgive myself will be a journey. I feel at this moment that I have forgiven myself for whatever I was beating myself up about. I must let go of the past in order to live in the present. I cannot change the past and cannot worry about the future. Past = Depression (woulda/shoulda) Future= Anxiety (what if/maybe this will happen if)
The only time I need to live in is the present.
True Self Love. Loving yourself is not always easy.
I have been a victim of self abuse. You know what I mean... You are running late and keep saying to yourself, "Why did you decide to wash the dishes before leaving? Big dummy, now you are late."-OR- You say something you wished you had not and keep playing the scenario over and over again in your head.
I learned that loving myself unconditionally meant giving myself a break when stuff like that happens. Being able to say to myself, "It's okay, Buddy!" and move on. I know that I am easy on my good friends like that all of the time. Welp... It is now the time for me to become my own good friend. No more beating myself up. I am my own friend and I love myself unconditionally!
Self Validation. Does this scenario sounds familiar... You have a decision to make but for whatever reason, you feel the need to discuss this decision with someone else before making up your mind.
I am capable of making a good decision on my own. I do not need someones opinion in order to make a good decision. If I make a bad decision, IT WILL BE OKAY! I will learn from my mistake. I will take this new knowledge and apply it to the next decision.
This conclusion did not happen over night for me. With my Dad's passing, I lost my main for source decision making discussion. Now, I am doing it on my own and man does it feel good. I am a smart, knowledgeable, and resourceful woman! I only need validation from myself. I can be proud of myself. Once realizing this, I have so much confidence. It is pretty amazing and powerful!
***************************************************************
These are my three main realizations. There are a few more sprouting. I have a few ideas what those sprouts may be.
Forgiving myself, unconditionally loving myself, and being proud of myself are lessons I am so thankful to have learned. I am now a stronger, wiser, and stabler version of myself. Still the same silly, laughing, smiling girl that I was before but with an amazing amount of self worth and love. I would be nothing without myself. I need myself. Have my own back. Now that I can be there for me, I will be better at being there for other people.
I will leave you with this. Give yourself a break. Tell yourself that you are "Da Bomb!" (Yeah, I know... I know it is not the 90's) You are totally worth love and you can give that to yourself! You are awesome!
~Peace to You!
Reflections of 2013: Part One
Over the past few weeks, a lot has come forward as far as self reflection goes. I will tell you the end result first and then explain how I got to where I am now.
I have stated many, many times that this year, 2013 was one of, if not the worst year of my adult life. Well... I was dead wrong. This year, a lot of things happened to me that were not fun, but this is hands down one the BEST year of my life.
Gee, so many things to tell, where to begin...
Health Insurance. I finally got health insurance after years of not being covered. I had a physical for the first time in years. I was excited to get checked out and make sure I was in tip-top shape. What I was not expecting was that the doctor would find irregular cells on my cervix. I thought, "What are a few irregular cells, this happens to every women." Welp, those irregular cells turned into level four precancerous cells. There I was faced with being sick. I had, at that time, never had any major illness. So, I get the LEEP surgery and they remove most of the precancerous cells and I was told I would have to go back in October for another test.
Car Accident. At the end of June, on my way to watch a college summer baseball game, I was rear ended at a low speed. I thought nothing of it at the time and exchanged information. As I drove down the road, I noticed something was not right. From the time of the accident until the end of July, I tried steroids and physical therapy. Neither worked. Got an MRI and the findings were that I had two herniated disc in my neck. The neurosurgeon said I was a candidate for a cervical (not the same cervical as above) spinal fusion. My surgeon is very conservative when it comes to cutting people open. So I tried the famous cortisone injection directly into my spine. (That was FUN!!!) That did not help much or at all. Had some random weird spasm now and then and went back to the doctor. He said, "Okay its time, you need the surgery before Thanksgiving." I asked if I could go to a chiropractor. He said give it a try. Got some strength back in my arm but was still having problems.
What I have yet to mention, is the ungodly amount of pain I was in. I could not sleep without pain. I could not work without pain. I could not even kiss my boyfriend without pain. Anything active and long car rides were pretty much impossible. I was not allowed to work out. I tried the few things the doctor said to try. However, they caused pain and therefore I could not do them. Anyone that knows me, knows that working out was my release!
I decided it was time for the surgery on October 1. I called to make a second opinion and found out my insurance was on hold. (My dad had been paying it) When I called the company to see what was going on, they told me had I called the day before they would have reinstated it. Now, I was not insurable. I had two preexisting conditions. This means not surgery.
Work. This summer, I decided with all that was going on with my neck and the possibility of surgery, that I needed to work closer to home. Driving long distances was no longer an option for me. I got an opportunity to work closer to home, roughly 40 hours a week, and doing something I loved. I decided it must be fate at took it. My schedule was to being in the middle of September. So, it is now September and my hours get cut from about 40 to 13. This big career move I just made and was excited about just made me feel like I had made the worst decision. Oh, and they messed up my pay and I did not get paid for over three pay periods.
Moving. You know the old saying, "Do not live with your good friends?" Welp, there is some truth to that. My friend and I decided to live together for a short time. In the beginning, everything was great! We lived together for six months and then it was time for me to move out. I moved out in the beginning of August. We did not speak for three months.
Father. Finally, my Father and I were beginning a new relationship. You know one of those "normal" relationships. (Like there are any "normal" families out there hehe) This was after many years of not talking and seeing each other, mainly because our past was too painful for me. I had tried many times to reestablish a relationship with him but I always ended up running away.
My Dad and I spoke nearly everyday. I would call and say, Dad, I just need you to listen." He would listen so well sometimes, I thought we lost our connection. I would dump EVERYTHING out, just like spilling your purse on the floor when looking for something. Sometimes he would give me his opinion after asking if I wanted to hear this thoughts.
Over the summer, I noticed that my Dad was not as responsive as he usually was. He seemed as if his mind was somewhere else. Usually he would want to talk on the phone with me for hours. It turned into him not even wanting to talk for five minutes. He would occasionally said something morbid, to which I would reply, "Dad why are you saying things like that?" He would respond with something like this, "Honey, sometimes you just have to come to terms with things." He also gave my boyfriend his blessing. He had never met him and only knew of my boyfriend what I told him. I found this comments odd, but sometimes, that was my Dad.
Then Dad had MRSA. He was in the hospital for about a week. He was in a lot of pain. It was hard to hear he was going through this. Partially, because I have a 13 year old little brother who my Dad cared for. Oh, and my Step-Mom had previously had thyroid cancer with complications. Dad came home from the hospital (August) and struggled to get better. Eventually he seemed to be on the mend.
It is now the end of September, Dad is back in the hospital for something wrong with his stomach. Anyone that knows my Dad, knows that he has an unusual amount of aliments. So, him being back in the hospital did not seem to be a big deal.
It is October 2, my insurance has been canceled and I am text messaging my father while he is in the hospital for some guidance. I got vague responses and really no help at all. This was very unusual for my Father because, he could figure out what to do in almost any situation like this. He was a hot shot at getting things set straight.
The last three text messages I received from my Dad were:
Wed, Oct 02, 2013 @ 7:15pm
Talk on moring
Fri, Oct 05, 2013 @ 5:29pm
Tell. Uou sns cn
Wed, Oct 09, 2013 @ 7:02pm
Give me a call
However, the last message was from my Step-Mom. My Dad had passed away a few hours earlier.
*****************************************************************
At that point, the rest of my life exploding my in my face, like a blender without a top, seemed to be pretty irrelevant. For the next six weeks, my MO was to go to work and come home. Once I was home, I slept and watched Netflix. Life as I had known it, would never be the same. I "unplugged." This allowed the raging waters inside my mind and my heart to become still. (Thank you subconscious)
It was like I had been playing Jenga with my life and all of the block were now on the floor. I was scattered wooden blocks all over the floor. There were pieces of myself I had not seen for years. Emotions and ideas that were keeping my stack of blocks standing for such a long time. I missed those pieces. I had forgotten those pieces. But having them in front of me, allowed me to see things in a way I had never seen them before. There were connections being made left and right. It was like there were beams of light "connecting the dots" for me. With this new or recently remember sense of self, I was now able to stack those little wooden block back up. In a more structurally sound way. In a way that when those blocks start to wiggle and I am at the 31 line, I will know how to get them from tumbling to the floor.
Here is where what was seemingly the worst year of my life, turned into the hands down, BEST year of my life! I am now stronger than I have ever been and continue to grow stronger everyday. I know who I am, what I want, and that I am capable of anything...
See Reflections of 2013: Part Two
I have stated many, many times that this year, 2013 was one of, if not the worst year of my adult life. Well... I was dead wrong. This year, a lot of things happened to me that were not fun, but this is hands down one the BEST year of my life.
Gee, so many things to tell, where to begin...
Health Insurance. I finally got health insurance after years of not being covered. I had a physical for the first time in years. I was excited to get checked out and make sure I was in tip-top shape. What I was not expecting was that the doctor would find irregular cells on my cervix. I thought, "What are a few irregular cells, this happens to every women." Welp, those irregular cells turned into level four precancerous cells. There I was faced with being sick. I had, at that time, never had any major illness. So, I get the LEEP surgery and they remove most of the precancerous cells and I was told I would have to go back in October for another test.
Car Accident. At the end of June, on my way to watch a college summer baseball game, I was rear ended at a low speed. I thought nothing of it at the time and exchanged information. As I drove down the road, I noticed something was not right. From the time of the accident until the end of July, I tried steroids and physical therapy. Neither worked. Got an MRI and the findings were that I had two herniated disc in my neck. The neurosurgeon said I was a candidate for a cervical (not the same cervical as above) spinal fusion. My surgeon is very conservative when it comes to cutting people open. So I tried the famous cortisone injection directly into my spine. (That was FUN!!!) That did not help much or at all. Had some random weird spasm now and then and went back to the doctor. He said, "Okay its time, you need the surgery before Thanksgiving." I asked if I could go to a chiropractor. He said give it a try. Got some strength back in my arm but was still having problems.
What I have yet to mention, is the ungodly amount of pain I was in. I could not sleep without pain. I could not work without pain. I could not even kiss my boyfriend without pain. Anything active and long car rides were pretty much impossible. I was not allowed to work out. I tried the few things the doctor said to try. However, they caused pain and therefore I could not do them. Anyone that knows me, knows that working out was my release!
I decided it was time for the surgery on October 1. I called to make a second opinion and found out my insurance was on hold. (My dad had been paying it) When I called the company to see what was going on, they told me had I called the day before they would have reinstated it. Now, I was not insurable. I had two preexisting conditions. This means not surgery.
Work. This summer, I decided with all that was going on with my neck and the possibility of surgery, that I needed to work closer to home. Driving long distances was no longer an option for me. I got an opportunity to work closer to home, roughly 40 hours a week, and doing something I loved. I decided it must be fate at took it. My schedule was to being in the middle of September. So, it is now September and my hours get cut from about 40 to 13. This big career move I just made and was excited about just made me feel like I had made the worst decision. Oh, and they messed up my pay and I did not get paid for over three pay periods.
Moving. You know the old saying, "Do not live with your good friends?" Welp, there is some truth to that. My friend and I decided to live together for a short time. In the beginning, everything was great! We lived together for six months and then it was time for me to move out. I moved out in the beginning of August. We did not speak for three months.
Father. Finally, my Father and I were beginning a new relationship. You know one of those "normal" relationships. (Like there are any "normal" families out there hehe) This was after many years of not talking and seeing each other, mainly because our past was too painful for me. I had tried many times to reestablish a relationship with him but I always ended up running away.
My Dad and I spoke nearly everyday. I would call and say, Dad, I just need you to listen." He would listen so well sometimes, I thought we lost our connection. I would dump EVERYTHING out, just like spilling your purse on the floor when looking for something. Sometimes he would give me his opinion after asking if I wanted to hear this thoughts.
Over the summer, I noticed that my Dad was not as responsive as he usually was. He seemed as if his mind was somewhere else. Usually he would want to talk on the phone with me for hours. It turned into him not even wanting to talk for five minutes. He would occasionally said something morbid, to which I would reply, "Dad why are you saying things like that?" He would respond with something like this, "Honey, sometimes you just have to come to terms with things." He also gave my boyfriend his blessing. He had never met him and only knew of my boyfriend what I told him. I found this comments odd, but sometimes, that was my Dad.
Then Dad had MRSA. He was in the hospital for about a week. He was in a lot of pain. It was hard to hear he was going through this. Partially, because I have a 13 year old little brother who my Dad cared for. Oh, and my Step-Mom had previously had thyroid cancer with complications. Dad came home from the hospital (August) and struggled to get better. Eventually he seemed to be on the mend.
It is now the end of September, Dad is back in the hospital for something wrong with his stomach. Anyone that knows my Dad, knows that he has an unusual amount of aliments. So, him being back in the hospital did not seem to be a big deal.
It is October 2, my insurance has been canceled and I am text messaging my father while he is in the hospital for some guidance. I got vague responses and really no help at all. This was very unusual for my Father because, he could figure out what to do in almost any situation like this. He was a hot shot at getting things set straight.
The last three text messages I received from my Dad were:
Wed, Oct 02, 2013 @ 7:15pm
Talk on moring
Fri, Oct 05, 2013 @ 5:29pm
Tell. Uou sns cn
Wed, Oct 09, 2013 @ 7:02pm
Give me a call
However, the last message was from my Step-Mom. My Dad had passed away a few hours earlier.
*****************************************************************
At that point, the rest of my life exploding my in my face, like a blender without a top, seemed to be pretty irrelevant. For the next six weeks, my MO was to go to work and come home. Once I was home, I slept and watched Netflix. Life as I had known it, would never be the same. I "unplugged." This allowed the raging waters inside my mind and my heart to become still. (Thank you subconscious)
It was like I had been playing Jenga with my life and all of the block were now on the floor. I was scattered wooden blocks all over the floor. There were pieces of myself I had not seen for years. Emotions and ideas that were keeping my stack of blocks standing for such a long time. I missed those pieces. I had forgotten those pieces. But having them in front of me, allowed me to see things in a way I had never seen them before. There were connections being made left and right. It was like there were beams of light "connecting the dots" for me. With this new or recently remember sense of self, I was now able to stack those little wooden block back up. In a more structurally sound way. In a way that when those blocks start to wiggle and I am at the 31 line, I will know how to get them from tumbling to the floor.
Here is where what was seemingly the worst year of my life, turned into the hands down, BEST year of my life! I am now stronger than I have ever been and continue to grow stronger everyday. I know who I am, what I want, and that I am capable of anything...
See Reflections of 2013: Part Two
12.19.2013
The Start of a Unknow Path...
What brings me to writing? The need to reflect, to opening myself up to not only myself but to others, and put this journey I am on, called life, on paper (or the screen). At the age of 31, with much more of life to live, I have realized that for a large part of my life, I have let things that have happened to me control who I was. Well... after some serious self reflecting, I realize that I am the only one that controls me. No one else or what they have said or done to me, can control me. I control me! It feels good to finally realize.
There are SO many unknowns in this great world. But knowing that I have my own back can make these unknown things less daunting. I have ridden a very long roller coaster of ups and downs, like many of us have. That is part of life. There will always be something that "you" have to handle. It may be a good thing or a bad thing, but "you" have to handle it. Teaching myself that I could handling anything, even if, I was not taught how to, is one of the most rewarding personal life lessons I learned.
We cannot predict the future or control anything but ourselves. And, sometimes it is hard to control ourselves because... we let things weigh on us or cloud what we really need to do. Self-control... not easy. Sometimes, you NEED to fall apart in order to put the piece in the right place. Before falling apart, you may feel like all of the pieces are where they need to be. In my case, I thought they were solid. Haha... funny one Jocelyn! It took my Jenga pieces to fall all over the floor to realize my foundation was a little unsteady in the first place. Well, once they were all over the floor and I was looking down at them, I could see those pieces in a different light. I made connections in way I had never been able to before. I had the strength and knowledge inside of myself to put them back together in a better way. I did not need help from anyone. I control my life and what will happen. I am the only one that can make it better. I control my happiness, sadness, ability to love, what I will and will not tolerate, and most of all my destiny.
I cannot predict the future, I cannot control anyone but myself, but I am willing to keep my heart open to everyone... especially myself. Learning to be loving and caring to myself, has been such an enlightening experience. I will leave you with this. Open your heart and fear not the unknown because the unknown will have something great to offer you, even if it is just a lesson!
Peace to You!
There are SO many unknowns in this great world. But knowing that I have my own back can make these unknown things less daunting. I have ridden a very long roller coaster of ups and downs, like many of us have. That is part of life. There will always be something that "you" have to handle. It may be a good thing or a bad thing, but "you" have to handle it. Teaching myself that I could handling anything, even if, I was not taught how to, is one of the most rewarding personal life lessons I learned.
We cannot predict the future or control anything but ourselves. And, sometimes it is hard to control ourselves because... we let things weigh on us or cloud what we really need to do. Self-control... not easy. Sometimes, you NEED to fall apart in order to put the piece in the right place. Before falling apart, you may feel like all of the pieces are where they need to be. In my case, I thought they were solid. Haha... funny one Jocelyn! It took my Jenga pieces to fall all over the floor to realize my foundation was a little unsteady in the first place. Well, once they were all over the floor and I was looking down at them, I could see those pieces in a different light. I made connections in way I had never been able to before. I had the strength and knowledge inside of myself to put them back together in a better way. I did not need help from anyone. I control my life and what will happen. I am the only one that can make it better. I control my happiness, sadness, ability to love, what I will and will not tolerate, and most of all my destiny.
I cannot predict the future, I cannot control anyone but myself, but I am willing to keep my heart open to everyone... especially myself. Learning to be loving and caring to myself, has been such an enlightening experience. I will leave you with this. Open your heart and fear not the unknown because the unknown will have something great to offer you, even if it is just a lesson!
Peace to You!
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