Silence...

Sometimes it is good, others times it is not.

There is a moment when I sync up so well with something silence is a welcomed and an enjoyed space. There are other times when silence drives me crazy, wondering what the heck is going on. Not to mention all of the "end of the world" feelings that start swirling in my head. 

Gotta learn to not worry when there is silence!

Transparency

Is it bad to be transparent..?

I could say, "We all do it!" You know, that thing where you develop an really thick tortoise shell with moss growing on it... I know that I have had my armor on too long. I am tired of carrying it around.

What a freeing thing, say what you mean. If I am able to speak freely, then I become transparent. When someone understands and knows this, communications with everyone around them become easier. 

Image if you believed everything someone said to you because they were always open and honest. "Issues" can be resolve with a conversation. When the conversation comes from a loving and nurturing place, it can be very constructive and helpful.

I do my best to be open, upfront, and honest with everyone I meet. It is not a quality that all of the people in my life like. But the ones that appreciate it are my nearest and dearest friends! We try to look out for each other and keep our heads on straight.

To be transparent, it the most thoughtful way with yourself and others, has become very freeing. There is that dang on word again. Freeing. When I am able to think for myself and believe in my opinions I feel free. When opacity begins to occur, bits and pieces of you start to fade away.

Be who you are when no one is watching. Let's be free together!!!

Fear

The fear of opening up to someone, for me is great...

Thank you for caring enough to drive over here after you were already home. I know I have very strong emotions. It's a lot to handle, for everyone, including me. I hope that they did not completely scare you away. I know you have a lot on your plate and I don't want my eruptions to weigh you down. You are to special to me and for me to be the source of any pain.

Guess the stuff I am working on in therapy is starting to really unravel some of my core issues. To get to this point in my life where I am able to identify how I am feeling and why, has been challenging. I am glad I am here!!! This is how I will be able to have the life I want. The mud is getting thick... Do you have your galoshes? 

I know, although it may not appear so, I am so ready to let this stuff go and move on. This pain, fear, loneliness, lack of confidence, self belittling... I do not want this in my life anymore! I will not allow this to run in the background. I want my processor to run on joy and peace within myself. The mask of happiest needs to be smashed, so that my face, flesh, and bones can truly express how I feel in my core.

I would love for you to join me in this journey. It may not always be sunshine and unicorns, but it will have a happy ending. I want to let it all go and be happy with you. Life is far too short for us to be carrying all of this weight on our shoulders. Let's float in the clouds of inner peace and joy together.

Roots...

I have solid roots in finding peace within myself.

I think that reality has finally started to set in. The past few years I felt like I was walking through quicksand all the time. As soon as my footing would be strong, I would start to slide back into the thickness of the murky sand.

I currently do not have anything life altering going on. What...? I have nothing life altering going on right now! I cannot believe that those words are running through my mind. Then, like the sound for THX at the movie theater, it hit me. The past few years are finally behind me. 

The light that shines ahead is very bright. There is a lightness about my movements through the day. I do not feel afraid anymore. I have managed to get through some of the toughest experiences and I did not have a break down. 

Who is this person I have become? Have I finally seen some of my self worth? Do I believe that I am capable of doing anything I put my mind to? Am I able to understand that no matter what, it will always be okay? 

I could not be able to answer, YES to those questions without therapy. I feel that we are in a culture where therapy is frowned upon. This blows my mind. If someone knows they can comfortably go and get help without being judged, we would have far less acts of rage. I openly talk about my experience in therapy. I have had almost all positive experiences with it. But... I have always wanted to feel better. 

Everyone I should know I will never judge you and always support you. I will always do my best to be honest with myself first, so that I can be honest with you. Everything I say, even if it feels harsh, is meant with love and respect. Know that I believe you have a great life, I will always look out for you.

These are core, fundemental elements that make me who I am. I care for people and I am also realistic. I treat people with respect and apologies if I temporally do not. I love people near me. I encourage those who need it. All of this is coming for a thirty minute walk outside this morning. BOOM... I have to get back to my roots when I am feel a little not myself. Nature and my soul are connected. Without it, I fall apart. 

Dear Nature- I am sorry I've ignored you! I was feeling not awesome and forgot how you are always there for me. You will be see a lot more of me. Hope you are ready for an adventure! Love always- Jocelyn <3

Dear Dad...

It's been a while since we've really talked. This year has all the twist and turns that every year has...

Wish you were here to help me through multiple failed relationships. You always seem to know what was really going on. You were supportive, non judgmental, and able to guide me through things without me feeling like you were telling me what to do.

You missed all the pain and joy that came from my spinal fusion. How awful I felt before it and during the recovery would have been easier being able to hear you say, "It's going to be okay, Sweetie." Being able to celebrate with me when I was able to go backpacking for the first time. Getting strong again and feeling alive. I would have liked to share that with you.

Going rock climbing for the first time and realizing that my heart was set on fire by something so amazing. I would love to be able to share all of my adventures with you. I know you would be proud of my inner strength and heart. You'd be able to see my learn and grow. Becoming more confident with each climb.

Working on some serious, deeply buried emotional crap, that you had a lot to do with you. Processing my youth and figuring out how to be the best me. Maybe my healing would have healed you too. 

My life and the direction that it is going in is new. Not only are things much more positive for me, but I can see an incredible amount of growth. It's like I have finally learned to live. 

I know you are watching over me somehow. I see this one type of butterfly everywhere I go. I think it is you letting me know everything is going to be okay! 

Love you, Dad!!!

Rough

Life gently reminds me...

As I am on my journey to be the best me, there are things I have been working through that are hard. It takes me out of my balance. At times, I don't even recognize myself. 

This weekend is a great example. Went through some intense therapy on Tuesday. I was warned that I might have some things come up for me. That was an understatement. It was like a geyser!!!

Went climbing outdoors with a new friend. Poor guy didn't know what he was in for. I was frustrated with myself. Threw a few fits. Overly emotional. Damn right miserable to be around, I'm sure. He was patient with me and supportive. Definitely not a normal thing to run into. I am glad that he was there. Not sure he will want to climb with me anymore, but who knows.

The positives that came out of this eruption... I got a lot of things out that have been trapped inside of too long. It was a major release. I challenged myself physically and mentally. There so some level of emotional growth. I learned from a great teacher. I, although it probably didn't look like it, had a great time!

On the ride home, I was laughing because I was so angry. Not at my friend, not at myself, just angry. It is a feeling I don't usually have. Then alllllllllll of this stuff about my childhood started to come up. 

Why did I get a 98 not a 100? How did I miss that rebound when I had 12 rebounds and 15 assists? Why didn't I drop time or get first? All of things that my dad would say to me where flowing through my head. I called my mom to verify that I wasn't making them up. She confirmed my thoughts. 

I was angry. I had been beating myself up all weekend during my climbing challenges but really it was my dad. It was crazy to have an emotional response finally to his badgering me. I was never able to have a response because I was trying to be a good kid. For the first time in my life I was able to feel angry for being mistreated. It was pretty amazing!

Still angry when I got home, I get my mail. There is a package from Charlottesville. It was from a friend I met at my yoga weekend last week. 

It was this book. Inside was a stick note memo that said, "If you want your dreams to be, take your time grow slowly. Do few things but do them well, heart felt work grows purely. Day by day, stone by stone, build your secret slowly. Day by day you'll grow too, into heaven's glory." 

I instantly release my anger. It was like a switch. I felt balance and myself again. So grateful for this gentle reminder. I took the book to one of my favorite spots to read. (For anyone who knows me, I don't read much because of my reading disability) I couldn't stop reading. I had to put it down because the light was so dim I couldn't see the pages. 

"I hope that I shall always have a river to stop beside to remind, more than the sea, that I am on a journey into me"

~rough or glass I continue to ride these waves

Trad

Views that you cannot see any way else!

Ten years ago, I was in college trying to stretch credits to stay on my mom's health insurance. It was my last semester so I decided to have a little fun. I took gym class, ballroom dancing, and rock climbing. Gym was an easy A. I loved dancing, so ballroom seemed like a good option. Rock climbing seemed like it would be a challenge and fun.

Fast forward to this summer... I bought a rock climbing harness. Wasn't really sure what I was going to do with it but figured I was ready for a challenge again and maybe a little fun.

This weekend I had a grandiose plan to start at Harper's Ferry, cruise to Seneca Rocks for the day, and spend two and a half days in Dolly Sods. That was the plan... Nice thing about exploring solo is you can go where the wind takes you. The wind stopped blowing when I got to Seneca Rocks.

On my way out to Seneca I stopped in Winchester, VA. My friend suggested I stop in at Mountain Trails to get the gear I was looking for. There I met Arthur. What an incredibly nice and knowledgable man! I told him my travel plans. Then we started talking about all of my gear. I mentioned I had a harness but no climbing experience. Oddly enough he runs a climbing school at Seneca Rocks. This is where the seed was planted.

I get out to Seneca and stop by his school/shop. Chat with Andrew, the guy running the shop and call Tess (the girl Arthur suggested to take me out and show me the ropes, pun intended) We set up at one on one all day session for the next morning. As I was leaving to go visit with a friend, two people were sitting at the shop's porch, Regina and John. I stay talk with them for a while. Not knowing that the porch would become the place to be.

Head out to Blackwater Falls to hang with Sato. We eat at Hellbenders, hang at StumpTown Brew, and jam at the Purple Fiddle. Ran into a guy I met two years prior at the Harper's Ferry outdoor festival and my friend's best man. Definitely a small world. Saturday morning is here!!! Head back to Seneca to meet Tess and we get in our way.

Day One:

We start our trek with the STAIR MASTER. Definitely a steep walk and a great warm up. The plan is to start with top rope climbing and see how things progress. Tess climbs up and sets up the top rope. Teaches me how to tie in and I climb on. First route right to the top. She give me a more challenging route and I zipped through that too. 

At this point, she feels I'm ready to start learning trad. Trad means traditional climbing. The climber goes up the rock and places gear (hex, nuts, cams, and tricams). The climber makes it through a pitch and the second climber cleans the gear as they come up. It's a great team effort. You have to trust and relay on your partner one hundred percent. I practice cleaning gear to prepare for our adventure. We review terms and start up Humphrey's  Head (5.4).

We are going to take Old Lady's (5.2) to the summit. It's a three pitch route. We got up without a hitch. Well maybe I had two pieces of gear that where a challenge to clean. Overall we got to the summit pretty quickly. What an amazing view!

We rappel down at traffic jam. It has that name for a reason. Tess gives me a few options in what we could do next. I told her it was her choice. So we went over to  first pitch of Prune (5.6) and Front C (5.6). We bumped into a few people as we made our way over there. Everyone was respectful of each other and nice. 

We climb these two harder routes. Rappeled down. Pack up and head back to the shop just as it starts to rain. 

Get back to the shop and it is the soot to be. A bunch of people on the porch hanging out. Talking "shop." There is an importance to the lingo in climbing. Still working on that part, for sure. Meet a bunch of people. Arthur shows up with his equally incredible wife Diane. Two guys (Joey and Jeff) invite me to climb with them the next day. Tess told me I was a new but competent second and I could run a 5.7 route. So hopefully I will not get in over my head with those two tomorrow. This day was just an awesomely, amazing day! I did not realize how much fun I would have or how much I would love climbing.

Day Two:

Wake up just before the roosters start singing. Get my tent put away, brush my teeth, and head over to the shop (The Gendarme). Grab the gear I need to borrow for the day and head over to re STAIR MASTER with Joey and Jeff. Joey decided we would run Green Wall (5.7), the first pitch I was the clearner. The second and third pitches I was in the middle. That was nice because I only had to worry about climbing. At the top of the second is where I realized only very few people would see this view. My heart was set on fire and this moment is when I fell in love with climbing.

A surprise for me was that Joey picked this route because of the a•mazing rappel that we were about to do. Pleasant Overhangs/Birdhouse rappel. While getting set up to rappel to the ground, we spot Arthur and Diane cruising up Thais Corner. Diane was working on some booty. Booty is stuck or left behind gear. I snapped a lot of photos with Jeff's camera. Now it's to rappel this amazingness. Words cannot be spoken about this moment in my life. The first time hanging from a rope in space is will be one of my most treasured memories of my life.

We all get down to the ground. Arthur has offered to throw a top rope for us at Tripple S (5.8+). I had heard them talking about this crack, corner but was not sure what I was in store for. Joey gets after it and gets it. It's my turn... At this point I am beat, but I have to try. Listen to Regulators as I get my gear on. Yes, I said Regulators. With no service there, it was the closest to a pump up song as I had on my phone. 

I tie in and climb on. This wall of rock is slick and has some tiny grabs and ledges. Working hard with the sun beating down on me. The sweat is pouring. Chalk is my new best friend. I keep smashing my already bruised and bloody right knee. I take to breaks. I am exhausted. I only had about 10-15 feet left my my right leg and both hand cannot stop shaking. I tap out! Proud and mad... Tripple S has my name on it next time. Jeff crushes this route. He is definitely ready to lead it. Sweaty and beat we pack up and head back to the porch. It was a great day of climbing and the day I feel in love with it!

We eat, talk, and hang out at the porch. Tripple J (my name for the group today) decides it time for a "shower" so we head out to the swimming hole to rinse off. Nothing like a sunset swim to end a long day of awesome. 

This trip opened something up inside of me. I feel more connected to not only the world around me but to myself. My solo adventures have been teaching me more about me than I could have ever imagined. I am thankful and happy. Excited for many more adventures to come.

~riding waves and looking for cliffs to climb

(Photos from day two will be upload to my tumblr {adventuresdefineme} by the end of this week.)