Over the past few weeks, a lot has come forward as far as self reflection goes. I will tell you the end result first and then explain how I got to where I am now.
I have stated many, many times that this year, 2013 was one of, if not the worst year of my adult life. Well... I was dead wrong. This year, a lot of things happened to me that were not fun, but this is hands down one the BEST year of my life.
Gee, so many things to tell, where to begin...
Health Insurance. I finally got health insurance after years of not being covered. I had a physical for the first time in years. I was excited to get checked out and make sure I was in tip-top shape. What I was not expecting was that the doctor would find irregular cells on my cervix. I thought, "What are a few irregular cells, this happens to every women." Welp, those irregular cells turned into level four precancerous cells. There I was faced with being sick. I had, at that time, never had any major illness. So, I get the LEEP surgery and they remove most of the precancerous cells and I was told I would have to go back in October for another test.
Car Accident. At the end of June, on my way to watch a college summer baseball game, I was rear ended at a low speed. I thought nothing of it at the time and exchanged information. As I drove down the road, I noticed something was not right. From the time of the accident until the end of July, I tried steroids and physical therapy. Neither worked. Got an MRI and the findings were that I had two herniated disc in my neck. The neurosurgeon said I was a candidate for a cervical (not the same cervical as above) spinal fusion. My surgeon is very conservative when it comes to cutting people open. So I tried the famous cortisone injection directly into my spine. (That was FUN!!!) That did not help much or at all. Had some random weird spasm now and then and went back to the doctor. He said, "Okay its time, you need the surgery before Thanksgiving." I asked if I could go to a chiropractor. He said give it a try. Got some strength back in my arm but was still having problems.
What I have yet to mention, is the ungodly amount of pain I was in. I could not sleep without pain. I could not work without pain. I could not even kiss my boyfriend without pain. Anything active and long car rides were pretty much impossible. I was not allowed to work out. I tried the few things the doctor said to try. However, they caused pain and therefore I could not do them. Anyone that knows me, knows that working out was my release!
I decided it was time for the surgery on October 1. I called to make a second opinion and found out my insurance was on hold. (My dad had been paying it) When I called the company to see what was going on, they told me had I called the day before they would have reinstated it. Now, I was not insurable. I had two preexisting conditions. This means not surgery.
Work. This summer, I decided with all that was going on with my neck and the possibility of surgery, that I needed to work closer to home. Driving long distances was no longer an option for me. I got an opportunity to work closer to home, roughly 40 hours a week, and doing something I loved. I decided it must be fate at took it. My schedule was to being in the middle of September. So, it is now September and my hours get cut from about 40 to 13. This big career move I just made and was excited about just made me feel like I had made the worst decision. Oh, and they messed up my pay and I did not get paid for over three pay periods.
Moving. You know the old saying, "Do not live with your good friends?" Welp, there is some truth to that. My friend and I decided to live together for a short time. In the beginning, everything was great! We lived together for six months and then it was time for me to move out. I moved out in the beginning of August. We did not speak for three months.
Father. Finally, my Father and I were beginning a new relationship. You know one of those "normal" relationships. (Like there are any "normal" families out there hehe) This was after many years of not talking and seeing each other, mainly because our past was too painful for me. I had tried many times to reestablish a relationship with him but I always ended up running away.
My Dad and I spoke nearly everyday. I would call and say, Dad, I just need you to listen." He would listen so well sometimes, I thought we lost our connection. I would dump EVERYTHING out, just like spilling your purse on the floor when looking for something. Sometimes he would give me his opinion after asking if I wanted to hear this thoughts.
Over the summer, I noticed that my Dad was not as responsive as he usually was. He seemed as if his mind was somewhere else. Usually he would want to talk on the phone with me for hours. It turned into him not even wanting to talk for five minutes. He would occasionally said something morbid, to which I would reply, "Dad why are you saying things like that?" He would respond with something like this, "Honey, sometimes you just have to come to terms with things." He also gave my boyfriend his blessing. He had never met him and only knew of my boyfriend what I told him. I found this comments odd, but sometimes, that was my Dad.
Then Dad had MRSA. He was in the hospital for about a week. He was in a lot of pain. It was hard to hear he was going through this. Partially, because I have a 13 year old little brother who my Dad cared for. Oh, and my Step-Mom had previously had thyroid cancer with complications. Dad came home from the hospital (August) and struggled to get better. Eventually he seemed to be on the mend.
It is now the end of September, Dad is back in the hospital for something wrong with his stomach. Anyone that knows my Dad, knows that he has an unusual amount of aliments. So, him being back in the hospital did not seem to be a big deal.
It is October 2, my insurance has been canceled and I am text messaging my father while he is in the hospital for some guidance. I got vague responses and really no help at all. This was very unusual for my Father because, he could figure out what to do in almost any situation like this. He was a hot shot at getting things set straight.
The last three text messages I received from my Dad were:
Wed, Oct 02, 2013 @ 7:15pm
Talk on moring
Fri, Oct 05, 2013 @ 5:29pm
Tell. Uou sns cn
Wed, Oct 09, 2013 @ 7:02pm
Give me a call
However, the last message was from my Step-Mom. My Dad had passed away a few hours earlier.
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At that point, the rest of my life exploding my in my face, like a blender without a top, seemed to be pretty irrelevant. For the next six weeks, my MO was to go to work and come home. Once I was home, I slept and watched Netflix. Life as I had known it, would never be the same. I "unplugged." This allowed the raging waters inside my mind and my heart to become still. (Thank you subconscious)
It was like I had been playing Jenga with my life and all of the block were now on the floor. I was scattered wooden blocks all over the floor. There were pieces of myself I had not seen for years. Emotions and ideas that were keeping my stack of blocks standing for such a long time. I missed those pieces. I had forgotten those pieces. But having them in front of me, allowed me to see things in a way I had never seen them before. There were connections being made left and right. It was like there were beams of light "connecting the dots" for me. With this new or recently remember sense of self, I was now able to stack those little wooden block back up. In a more structurally sound way. In a way that when those blocks start to wiggle and I am at the 31 line, I will know how to get them from tumbling to the floor.
Here is where what was seemingly the worst year of my life, turned into the hands down, BEST year of my life! I am now stronger than I have ever been and continue to grow stronger everyday. I know who I am, what I want, and that I am capable of anything...
See Reflections of 2013: Part Two
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