Here it is, the moment where my 2013 turned from the WORST to the very BEST year!
Forgiveness. I have learned that in order to truly move forward, I need to forgive!
The first person I forgave was my Dad. I wrote him a letter. That letter with rest with him for an eternity. In this letter, I forgave him for all of the emotional abuse. I no longer blamed him for it. The behaviors that I hated about him were learned. He learned to mistreat people because he, himself was mistreated. He was not a strong enough person to make any changes and to forgive them. The other part to this forgiveness is that I know in my heart now, that all he really wanted for me was the best. He pushed me (not in a healthy way) to the point that has turned into my adulthood perfectionism. Dad, I love you and you are forgiven!
The next person that I wanted to forgive was myself. Wow, right? This was not an easy task. Being able to forgive myself will be a journey. I feel at this moment that I have forgiven myself for whatever I was beating myself up about. I must let go of the past in order to live in the present. I cannot change the past and cannot worry about the future. Past = Depression (woulda/shoulda) Future= Anxiety (what if/maybe this will happen if)
The only time I need to live in is the present.
True Self Love. Loving yourself is not always easy.
I have been a victim of self abuse. You know what I mean... You are running late and keep saying to yourself, "Why did you decide to wash the dishes before leaving? Big dummy, now you are late."-OR- You say something you wished you had not and keep playing the scenario over and over again in your head.
I learned that loving myself unconditionally meant giving myself a break when stuff like that happens. Being able to say to myself, "It's okay, Buddy!" and move on. I know that I am easy on my good friends like that all of the time. Welp... It is now the time for me to become my own good friend. No more beating myself up. I am my own friend and I love myself unconditionally!
Self Validation. Does this scenario sounds familiar... You have a decision to make but for whatever reason, you feel the need to discuss this decision with someone else before making up your mind.
I am capable of making a good decision on my own. I do not need someones opinion in order to make a good decision. If I make a bad decision, IT WILL BE OKAY! I will learn from my mistake. I will take this new knowledge and apply it to the next decision.
This conclusion did not happen over night for me. With my Dad's passing, I lost my main for source decision making discussion. Now, I am doing it on my own and man does it feel good. I am a smart, knowledgeable, and resourceful woman! I only need validation from myself. I can be proud of myself. Once realizing this, I have so much confidence. It is pretty amazing and powerful!
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These are my three main realizations. There are a few more sprouting. I have a few ideas what those sprouts may be.
Forgiving myself, unconditionally loving myself, and being proud of myself are lessons I am so thankful to have learned. I am now a stronger, wiser, and stabler version of myself. Still the same silly, laughing, smiling girl that I was before but with an amazing amount of self worth and love. I would be nothing without myself. I need myself. Have my own back. Now that I can be there for me, I will be better at being there for other people.
I will leave you with this. Give yourself a break. Tell yourself that you are "Da Bomb!" (Yeah, I know... I know it is not the 90's) You are totally worth love and you can give that to yourself! You are awesome!
~Peace to You!
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