the note

DEFINITIONS: So randomly SIRI, while not even being near the phone said, "The definition of experience...," I seriously thought I was going crazy. Walked over to the phone and there was the definition, from Wikipedia of course. Thursday, April 02 @3:52p.

EXPERIENCE: experience is the knowledge or mastery of an event or subject gained through involvement in or exposure to it. Terms in philosophy, such as "empirical knowledge" or "a posterior knowledge," are used to refer to knowledge based on experience. A person with considerable experience in a specific field can gain a reputation as an expert.

"Focus on the journey, not the destination. Joy is found not in finishing an activity but in doing it." ~Greg Anderson

My plan was to define a whole bunch of terms: selflessness, connection, to live, selfishness, fear, courage, happiness... But instead I think the one word and one quote are enough. Oh, guess I forgot unconditional. That's a good word and misunderstood often. What I wanted you to know is that I really heard you on the phone Thursday. But you don't know me or what I am capable of or who I really am...

I am an amazingly understanding and reasonable person. I've only been "a little excited" because finally met someone. Just as odd as me and I feel like I get them. Really just want some more time to know you. Shit, in three more hangings out, I might just HATE you. But we are not going to know it unless we try. That's all I want. I do not need a commitment. I am actually good with a few check-ins a week. Maybe a phone chat or two. Hangings out when it works out for both of us with our crazy schedules.

I just would like to hang out with a dude that actually makes me feel comfortable enough to not "care" what I do or say. I mean, how often do you meet someone that you instantly know they are not judging you. Pretty FReaking RAD! Annnnnnnnd... TERRIFYING!! 

Watch out... A giant monster is behind you and if you don't run... You might find happiness. But "HE" is so big and scary. An unknown beast. At first maybe you see the long nails and BIG teeth... Maybe that is just how the monster says HI! Maybe those scary things go away when the monster feels like they've said their hi's.

We are all scared. We don't know the unknown. We want complete control. We don't want to feel bad again. It's hard for us to trust. (Others and ourselves) We get our minds set in it's own way. We want to not feel. (Good or bad) Letting go seems impossible. Opening up is terrifying. We want, what we want. It is hard to ask for help. We don't want to be judged. You just wanna be but being is something that you're not sure how to do.

Carefree... How can we get back there? How do you truly let go of the past and open ourselves to all of the possibilities ahead of us. What makes it so hard to let it all go?

Why can't we feel like we should be happy? What holds us back from allowing ourselves to be okay with wanting to be happy? Maybe it's time to release the guilt of whatever we've done, so that we can think we can be happy.

Whatever we've done, we've done. It's done and over. Time to say goodbye and open our hearts and the door to loving ourselves for being us. The people who actually care will love you ANY way you choose to be!

~ riding my waves ~