Current

What's filling my head space...

About a month ago I had a cervical spinal fusion. The process of healing should have been quick. It has become apparent, that my process has been much longer than I expected. I have been primarily residing in my less than 600 square-foot garage apartment and I am enjoying the space outside. I have a few wonderful friends come and visit. They take me places and hang out with me here and take me to dinner or coffee so the part has been really lovely.

Although alone time is really, really good for people. I don't know or wonder if it is good for a person to spend almost an entire month alone trapped more or less in cage and not really able to go see things or see the world. A month of pain and sleeping and rest and attempting to relax when really all you want to do is be active, is definitely a challenge.

I think a month alone traveling and exploring and learning and seeing and doing and feeling is much different. Alone in your head space can be an interesting experience. I've really been trying to identify what family means to me...

In my heart believe that my family loves me very much but as far as what they've been able to do for me in a mentally, emotionally, loving me, caring for me, support me, I don't know what their capacity is to or if there is a real ability is to do so.

I don't believe that your family has to be blood and I don't believe that your family that you were given is necessarily the one you were supposed to have. I believe that you can create it, family. But it is a challenge and it is hard to do because you still want to use on the blood relationship to be all that you hoped for them to be.

So I know that one fault of mine is that I can be needy. I like people to hold my hand or rub my back or bump their shoulder next to mine when were out, mainly because I feel good having physical connections with people.

So I get like overly excited when I meet someone and I have an emotional connection with or maybe it's a mental connection or maybe an attraction or just some connection in some kind of chemistry.

Then, I get very excited and I haven't learned "how to play it cool," so to speak. and it's unfortunate for me. I also have to identify that I'm not the only person that has some kind of issue. This person that I'm sitting across from has a slew of their own personal issues with relationships or touching or smiling or laughing or having fun or being happy or being sad or not knowing how to feel or interact or what's ever situation that they might have put themselves in or have been in. Sometimes we have these real relationships/connections to a feelings or emotions that we've had before. Takes you back to that memory.

So what is happened during this time, I have pretty much met some really cool people. I am have sort of lost some opportunities with some of these cool people. I am human not a robot that can have a reboot... I am working very, very hard basically ridding myself of these triggers of weirdness or neediness or whatever it is, I'm working on it for sure.

One thing I can say has been going very well for me, is the creation of my new family. Those people, you know who they are, have really helped me quite a bit. Just get the things out of my head or listen or lift me up or tell me I'm stupid or whatever it is that I must be said and I am very happy and grateful for that.

Healing more than my neck?

So through this healing process I was just wanting someone to hug me and snuggle up with me and rub my back and rub my feet and my arms and knees and butt and just every part of my body, that is hurting. 

There's a really wonderful tiny little black cat (Herbertie) that occasionally will give me a belly kneads. Like he's making dough. My friends is he's making donuts, I would say is making biscuits. I don't know he's a weird cat

I've been drawing and painting and writing and thinking and trying to estimate what's best. What things are most valuable in life. You know, really just trying to figure out what the next steps are.

I truly believe that I am a happy person. I think my spirit, my energy, and the vibes I send out are really positive. But I think that my current life situation just family, job, and location is having some effect on my ability to really truly live a life full of happiness not just be a happy person.

Someone said something to me about creating goals. That they need to be realistic and I'm not sure if that's really a true statement. I don't know, I think my current goal is to write down all of my dreams, all the possible dreams of my life and the way I see it. Yeah about that that's my goal.

~figuring things out how to ride on gnarly waves